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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

The Last Mimzy

Synopsis

ANNOYING KID 1 and ANNOYING KID 2 go on holiday to a place that’s LIKE, SO TOTALLY LAME. While there, they discover a MAGICAL MACGUFFIN FROM TEH FUTU0R, which, naturally, is a DREAMCAST-SPONSORED PSYCHIC BUNNY. The BUNNY is instructed to: 1) find a PURE GIRL, 2) MAKE HER CRY, and 3) make her build a WARP GATE. To achieve this, THE BUNNY gradually gives them MUTANT SUPERPOWERS, slowly FUCKING WITH THEIR HEADS and drawing more and more PEOPLE into its TWISTED WEB OF MINDFUCKERY until all the HUMANS are conditioned to serve its DUBIOUS SPACE-ELEVATOR-FETISHISING WILL.

Also, ALICE IN WONDERLAND was all about NANOTECH.

Okay, no, wait, we figured it out. We figured out how this makes sense. Let’s start again.

ANNOYING KID 1 and ANNOYING KID 2 go on holiday to a place that’s LIKE, SO TOTALLY LAME. While there, they discover a BOX on the BEACH. It is full of MAGIC MUSHROOMS, LSD and WEED. They start by eating the MUSHROOMS, and from that point on the every scene with the kids in it is ENTIRELY INSIDE THEIR HEADS. Every scene without them in is THEIR PARENTS trying to cope with their KIDS being ON DRUGS.

By the Numbers

  • Unexpected Scenes of Mad Science: 2
  • Super-secret mandala research books: 1
  • Mind-controlled spiders: 7
  • Zohars absorbed by Futuresquid: 1
  • TERROR ATTACKS CARRIED OUT BY FUTURESQUID: 1
  • Body count: 40
  • “It’s the same one I saw in my dreams.” deadpan: 1
  • “This is a very special hand.” breathless: 1
  • Characters in the whole film who are sensible, responsible and not on drugs at any stage: 7
  • Percentage of those characters who work for the FBI: 100
  • Intel inside. INSIDE THE FUCKING BUNNY: 1
  • Young Lady’s Illustrated Primers: 1
  • Planets somehow saved from ecological disaster and turned into psychic flying hippyville by some bullshit involving a pure girl’s tears: 1
  • Horrific ecological disasters avoided in the first place: 0 (pretty poor show for a society with high-level nanotech and time travel)
  • DRUGS: OVER 9000

Overall: 1 / 5

One reply on “The Last Mimzy”

It is not that you become immune to their annoying tactics A1 does not negate A but rather that you have eliminated the people all-together.

Ian: This is such a bizarre spam that I had to let it through (URL redacted, of course).

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