Categories
Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

The Legend of Hercules (2014)

Synopsis

The FORGETTABLE VAMPIRE from TWILIGHT is back as an AMERICAN with a FAKE TAN pretending to be GREEK.

Born of RELIGIOUS FUCKERY, despised by his father KING BEARDY, and caught fucking his BROTHER’S GIRLFRIEND, he is exiled to EGYPT and sold into SLAVERY.

Luckily he talks HIS CAPTOR into returning to GREECE on a FLIMSY PRETENSE, uses (DEMI)GOD MODE HACKS to beat up EVERYONE IN GREECE, STEAL the KINGDOM, SAVE the CLEARLY DEAD CHICK, and live HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

By the Numbers

  • Believable CGI humans: 0
  • Archers in the front line of army units, because tactics: 30
  • Kings of Argos: 1
  • Managing Directors of Argos PLC: 0
  • Ghost fucking: GHOST FUCKING
  • Scenes of gratuitous sidemoob: 2

    moob intensifies

  • Rolls on the random accent table: 23
  • Almost convincing Bulgarian accents (belonging to Egyptians): 2
  • Percentage of minor characters who, judging by credits, were actually Bulgarian: 80
  • Testudo formations, in years before ancient Rome was a thing: 1000
  • Deaths by semi-naked slow-motion mud wrestling: 2
  • Gladiators who know what a spear is for: 0
  • Age of actress playing Queen Alcmene: 24
  • Age of actor playing Prince Iphicles, her son: 23
  • Random inexplicable dust motes everywhere: 2398471082
  • Magic lightning whips: 1
  • Kingly COME AT ME BROs: 2
  • Labours of Hercules present: 1/12

Overall: 2 / 5

Channeling Russel Crowe

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