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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: The Movie

Synopsis

It is the EARLY NINETIES. SIX CHILDREN experience the most RADICAL, HIP and GROOVY TELEVISION SERIES of ALL TIME.

Now it is the YEAR 2015, we are ADULTS, and we realise that this was the most DEPLORABLE WASTE OF CELLULOID FILM ever UNLEASHED UPON THIS UNDESERVING EARTH. (And we’ve seen some shit.)

By the Numbers

  • Historical inaccuracies within the first five seconds: 1
  • Comparable plot points to the Scientology creation myth: BECAUSE OF COURSE
  • “BONSAI!”: 1
  • Parachutes that are sadly functional: 6
  • Mysterious evil eggs rising from the sewers: 1
  • Ayayayayayay: OVER 9000
  • Evils BEYOND YOUR UNDERSTANDING: nope.
  • Evil plans that basically involve telesales and offering free drugs to children: 1
  • “It’s no ordinary egg. Let’s hard boil it!”: 1
  • Years spent looking for a pile of snot: 2000
  • Smells like teen spirit: 1
  • Terrible superfluous combat backflips: OVER 9000
  • Terrible superfluous combat wisecracks: OVER 10000
  • Magical girl transformation sequences: 6
  • Unexpected Spanish inquisitions: Somehow, 1
  • Wicked Man-Witches of the Moon: 1
  • Major scenes taking place in Vimto factories: 3
  • MY BRAVE HAWKMEN: 4
  • Villains turned into snowglobes: WHAT THE FUCK
  • Xena: Warrior Majorette: WHAT THE FUCK
  • Italian ninjas in hijab: 6
  • Ectomorphicons: ECTOMORPHICONS
  • Evil minions that are required to wear hard hats: 30
  • “This is Jurassic Park!”: No, that is a much better movie.
  • NINJETTI CARBONARA SPINNING CORKSCREW BOOT TO THE HEAD: physics lol
  • Duracell Bunnies inside temple doors: Sadly none
  • Inconceivable!: Somehow, 1
  • CGI sequences featuring really obviously plastic toys: 3
  • “My sensors are picking up a disturbance! It’s the giant robots we were standing right next to literally 30 seconds ago!”
  • Emergency “knee to the crotch” buttons: 1
  • Parental lives saved by water cannon: 230
  • “♪We’ll get higher, and higher!♪”: Fucking wish I was

Overall:
Smells like... teenagers.

♪Stop stop Power Rangers!♪ Please. Stop.

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