Categories
Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Camp Rock

Synopsis

That is not dead which can eternal lie.
And with strange aeons even death may die.
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh CTHULHU R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

By the Numbers:

  • Utterly implausible scandals involving Jonas Brothers: 1
  • Camp Rock performances that are rock music: 3
  • Normal definitions of “Jam” employed: 0
  • Faces: Two
  • Characters: 23
  • Characters who do not fail: 2
  • Average time for students to learn a technique, in seconds: 13
  • Songs performed live: 2
  • Songs that sucked: 2
  • Main characters that can sing without autotune: 0
  • Punchable Jonas brothers: 3
  • Obviousness of ending: 127
  • Cheesiness of ending: 198,289
  • Cinderellaness of plot: 204,987,154
  • Sanity roll per minute: d10
  • Beer consumed: YES
  • DEPTH OF THE ABYSS: OVER 9000 METRES
  • STARS IN ALIGNMENT: 23,489
  • GREAT OLD ONES NOW MANIFEST UPON THE EARTH: 76
  • MORTALS DRIVEN TO MADNESS: 6,791,278,109
  • H҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘Ȅ̐̑̒̚̕̚ IS C̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̚̕̚̕̚̕̚̕̚̕̚OMI҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘NG > ͡҉҉ ̵̡̢̛̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̿̿̿̚ ҉ ҉҉̡̢̡̢̛̛̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑ ͡҉҉
  • H҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘Ȅ̐̑̒̚̕̚ IS C̒̓̔̿̿̿̕̚̚̕̚̕̚̕̚̕̚̕̚OMI҉̵̞̟̠̖̗̘NG > ͡҉҉ ̵̡̢̛̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠͇̊̋̌̍̎̏̿̿̿̚ ҉ ҉҉̡̢̡̢̛̛̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠̖̗̘̙̜̝̞̟̠̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑̒̓̔̊̋̌̍̎̏̐̑ ͡҉҉
  • H̛͘E͟͟҉ ͟͞͞Ć̸͘͡Ó̴͡M̶̴̧̕͜Ę̸̢͠͠S̵̵͡.̴̸̕͟.͡͞.̵͜

Overall: -אω / 5

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