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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Jude

Synopsis

DOCTOR WHO fucks A GIRL, marries her, kills a PIG, then she runs away to AUSTRALIA. Life in Dorset, ladies and gentlemen! Thanks, THOMAS HARDY.

Meanwhile, at OXFORD, DOCTOR WHO falls in love with HIS COUSIN instead. EVERYONE fucks the WRONG PEOPLE, and they all swap WIVES for a bit until EVERYONE DIES SAD AND ALONE.

“(A rabbit screams in pain)”

By the Numbers:

  • Pigs slaughtered: 1
  • Eggs hatched between boobs: 1
  • DOCTOR WHO RAAAAAGE: over 9000
  • Rachel Griffiths boobs: 1
  • Kate Winslet boobs: 2
  • Kate Winslet pubes: 4,896
  • Seaweed-spanking sessions: 1
  • OH GOD I DID NOT WANT TO SEE KATE WINSLET GIVING BIRTH GODDAMNIT WHAT THE FUCK: FOUR BILLION PERCENT
  • Arabella being-a-cock factor: 57
  • Times “Don Quixote” is pronounced correctly: 0
  • Problems that could have been fixed with a sonic screwdriver: 4
  • Children buried: 3
  • DEPRESSION FACTOR: FIVE BILLION PERCENT
  • Happy Endings: -467

Overall: 3 / 5

5/5 for acting. -87/5 for “hey, I’m so glad I watched this!” factor.

Oh, the link? You’re welcome.

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