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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

The Legend of the Titanic

Synopsis

Actually, all those HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE who were “MISSING” in the GREATEST MARITIME TRAGEDY OF ALL TIME were TOTALLY FINE and it was all a GREAT BIG MISUNDERSTANDING and THE DAY WAS SAVED by FLYING DOLPHINS and CTHULHU and CARTOON. FUCKING. MICE.

I’m starting to wonder if THE FUCKING RAPPING DOG might not have been an improvement after all.

By the Numbers

  • “Why did you give up sailing after being partially responsible for the deaths of 1517 people?”: 1
  • THE TERRIBLE MR. ICE: 1
    Mr. Ice
  • Inevitable Mexican mice: 1
  • Throuroughly inexplicable Brazilian football mice: 1
  • “Ratatouille” jokes: STOP IT
  • Goth Elvis: UH HUH HUH
  • Worryingly flirty dogs: 1 (AGAIN)
  • CGI budget: 1 bag of peanuts (dry roast)
  • Whalers: 3
  • Bob Marley: 0
  • PIRATE BURT REYNOLDS: present
    Pirate Burt Reynolds
  • “But she’s a woman and you’re a mouse!” “I’m not racist!”
  • Flying dolphins telepathically communicating with Tesco Value Kate Winslet: KILL ME NOW THIS IS FUCKING TERRIBLE
  • Unconvincing arguments required to change the course of Elizabeth’s life, in mice: 2
  • Casual racism: you bet
  • Casual racism against sharks: also yes
  • Off-screen wanking into gloves: SOME?!
  • Shark tossings: 3
  • Gentle face caresses with the DISEMBODIED HAND OF SKELETOR: 3
  • “We must be careful! The walls have ears!”: STOP TAKING SO MANY DRUGS THEN
  • Electrically conductive moustaches: WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK IS THIS
  • “I’ll give it a try! I’ve always wanted to tentacle rape an ocean liner!”
  • CTHULHU F’THAGN
    Tentacoo wape!
  • “It’s a good job the impact won’t kill us from this heiiiiiiiii…” ptht: 1
  • People who died on the Titanic: apparently, 0
  • Demonstrably electrocuted and mourned mice that died on the Titanic: Nope
  • Octopi that are shown clearly crushed under thousands of tons of metal that died on the Titanic: OF COURSE NOT
  • Chance that none of this really happened and Elizabeth just dropped a prodigious amount of acid: OVER NINE THOUSAND PERCENT

Overall: THIS FILM IS NOW THE GREATEST MARITIME DISASTER IN HISTORY

THIS IS AN ACTUAL FUCKING WAR CRIME

i need more gin

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