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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

The Terminator

A guest reviewby Ian “Devo” Montgomery

Synopsis

The year is 1984 and everything is RADICAL! Then some gun-toting CYBORG ASSASSIN FROM THE FUTURE comes along to ABORT Linda Hamilton’s unborn baby which she DOESN’T KNOW SHE HAS… because she DOESN’T HAVE IT! Yet.

By the Numbers

  • Johnny Five’s big brothers: 2
  • Time-travelling exhibitionists: 2
  • Nice nights for a walk: 1
  • Nice nights to get brutally murdered: 3
  • Stomach fistings: 1
  • “FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE”: 2
  • Sarah Connors: 3
  • Uzi: 9mm
  • Trucks run over by cars: 1
  • Bullets wasted on woman who was already killed by a headshot: 5
  • Flashbacks induced by watching construction sites: 1
  • 80s chicks: Oh my, yes!
  • Runaway iguanas: 1
  • Radical 80s techno music: RADICAL
  • Meatshields: 1
  • Arterial jiggery-pokery: DO NOT WANT
  • Eyes sliced: On wholemeal or white?
  • “I’LL BE BACK”: In 20 seconds
  • Cops massacred by one man (robot): 14
  • Post-apocalyptic bedtime stories: 1
  • What’s on TV tonight, mummy?: FIRE
  • Tasty rats: 1
  • Future-securing fucks: 1
  • German Shepherds: 4
  • Pipe bombs: 7
  • Pipe bombs used effectively: 2
  • Robo-skeletons rising out of the fiery bowels of Hell: 1

Overall: 5 / 5

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