Average nerdy ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY, PETER PARKER, is BITTEN by a RADIOACTIVE BUDDHIST DOG and gains the powers of a DOG. This essentially amounts to LOOKING LIKE A DUMBASS AT COURT.
Later, he gets ZAPPED BY BULLSHIT and turns into an ACTUAL DOG for a while, and, via AN HOUR OF TEDIOUS HIJINKS, learns to be a BETTER PERSON or some shit.
By the Numbers
- Immortal Viet Cong dogs: 1
- Buildings burned down because they were putting makeup on bunnies: Apparently 0
- Rich arsehole capitalists played by Robert Downey Jr: 1
- Laser-shooting robot suits played by Robery Downey Jr: 0
- Pugfrogs: 1
- Snakedogs: 1
- THAT’S NOT HOW SCIENCE WORKS: OVER 9000
- Furry blood-hedgehogs: 600
- Psychic dog mind melds: 1
- Canine revelations heard in low Earth orbit: 1
- Meditating bunnies: 4
- Beached whales made of peanut butter: …onnnnee?
- WHO LET THE DOGS OUT: Oh hell no
- People slapped in the face with Robert Downey Jr’s fluffy tail: 1
- Redeeming features of this tiresome shit: minus 36
- TO INFINITY AND FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK NNNNNNOOOOOOOO
Overall: -4 / 5
“Everyone’s going to need therapy after this.”