Synopsis

You know what, the FILM is called “ZOMBIE SHARK”. I think you can work it out.

By the Numbers

• Shadowy government agencies: 1
• Neck length, centimetres longer than humanly possible: 23
• Inevitable freak storm forecasts ignored by characters: 1
• Cheerleader types inevitably eaten first: for once, no!
• Largely unnecessary cleavage shots: OVER 9000!
• Sharks with snorkels: So. I have some questions.
• Radios with access to restricted military channels: Apparently 1
• Mayday calls, in metres from shore when issued: 0.7
• Rocket launchers that fire animated GIF explosions from the 90s: potentially all of them?
• Deckchairs and portable barbecues used on military operations: 3
• “Nowhere on this island is safe!”: Except the bits that are ON LAND?
• Incidences of zombie-on-zombie action: 1
• Incidences of sister-on-zombie-sister stabbing: 1
• Deaths by FUCKING TERRIBLE CGI: EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.
• Endings: Of course fucking not.

Overall: / 5