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Chasing impossible dreams is the only thing left to do once all the achievable ones fade away…
I first woke up this morning at 9am. By 1pm, I’d got used to the headache enough that I could be comfortable if I lay completely still. It’s now after 4pm, I’ve missed my compulsory Photonics labs, and I’m used to it enough that I can sit still at a computer. It still really hurts to move…
Yet again, another night of 13 hours’ sleep. Yet again, I wake up and gaze out of the window at the sun setting behind the trees. I guess that, slowly but surely, this much rest must be letting me recover. At least, I hope so. If not, I must try to resist my sudden urge to hibernate. Winter, as always, brings its own new set of wonderful emotions and feelings - and yet, I do long for the sunshine again…
It looks like friends, fun and 13 hours of sleep let me recover from Monday’s weirdness. It’s for the best. I feel much better now, and nothing’s really changed apart from that.
Today taught me an important lesson though - films that you love are best seen without an audience. With luck I managed to block out most of the two hours’ worth of comments, so Nausicaa hasn’t quite been ruined for me yet.
Plus, Anime Society angst continues. It’s slowly beginning to dawn on me, though - although I’ve been effectively removed from my committee position without any kind of vote or AGM and the society’s been pretty much taken over by one person who’s appointing committee positions as he sees fit - I really don’t think I care. Everything comes to an end sooner or later, and maybe it’s best that this dream of mine ends now rather than lasting any longer.
“Forever has gone, today is infinity…
and yesterday’s dreams, today a faint memory…
forever has gone, today is infinity…
it’s time to move on, forever has gone…
Two eyes in the face of billions of voices,
I saw the flashing lights move further in the distance…
(the) Dream was not meant to be.
…And outside these walls I have created,
the sound of stars colliding echoes in the distance,
and dreams - they shatter…
Let it break into a thousand pieces, let the wind blow it all away
Dreams are fragile but our hearts grow stronger from the memories…“
— Lia - Disintegration
I’m sitting here, as I have been most of the afternoon, refreshing the LiveJournal friends page of a ficticious character in the hope that other ficticious characters will write interesting things. And this is something that really matters to me - I’ve chosen to spend my free time today being bored as a ficticious character rather than being productive as myself.
This is pretty symptomatic of my whole attitude to life recently. I have discovered myself to be totally lazy - I should have written a few e-mails to people at work at the beginning of October, and it’s now nearly reached December without me having written them. Likewise, I should have set about finding a new housemate back in October, or September even. But no, it’s nearly December and I’ve done nothing. And the start of December used to be a time of year I really looked forward to - advent calendars and Christmas decorations and all the rest. But now, it just seems like it’s nothing special.
I have a lot of Uni work to be doing, but somehow I just end up sitting here, quietly, with a blank mind. Listening to music isn’t enjoyable anymore, reading isn’t enjoyable anymore, cooking isn’t enjoyable anymore, the internet isn’t enjoyable anymore, games aren’t enjoyable anymore, anime is barely enjoyable anymore. Just about thhe only things that seem to be able to focus my mind on something other than blankness are my friends, or pointless immersion in self-psychoanalysis. In fact, “friends” may even be too broad a category. As time goes on, living here, I think I’m slowly drifting away from my friends back home…
It’s getting towards the point where I’m not even sure if I have a core personality or not. So much of my time is spent pretending to be someone else, with different emotions and a different personality and i
n some cases in a different world, that I might be losing my grip on the nebulous concept of “me”. I think Richard said it best over MSN this afternoon - I have no problem getting in-character, but I’ve yet to master the ability to get out-of-character again.
Then again, I’m not sure if it matters or not. I suppose it’s the eventual result of having the kind of philosophy that I have - the realisation that a desire for self-identity is meaningless. There’s an extent to which it doesn’t matter whether or not “Ian” exists, because there’s no real reason why Ian should be any more important than any of the other personalities that I have buzzing around my mind. Perhaps, after all, it means that the philosophy that I believed to be so useful was ultimately self-destructive. But if I give that up now - even if it was possible to, which I’m unsure of - I’d lose so much. The story which I hope will be a lasting memory of my life will suddenly become a mere unimportant dream, and I will lose so many of the fictional people I’ve grown to love - I’ll lose Malachai, I’ll lose Kotori, and most importantly of all I’ll lose Tsuki.
If I were to lose that much, I don’t know what I’d be left with. No dreams, and no emotions… Maybe I’d become hard-working, or reliable, but I’d have lost the most important thing of all - love. Love, both for other people and for my dreams
, has always caused pain and always will. But it’s something that can’t be given up, no matter what. It’s the one single important thing that makes life worth living.
So, in the end, even though it means I have days when I feel like this, I can’t give up the part of myself that loves and dreams. I have to take the bad times when they come, along with the good times. Just like everyone else, when I think about it. It’d be foolish for me to think that I could have a life where only good things exist.
I’m back where I started, and yet at the end of this little outpouring of my mind. I apologise to anyone who’s sat and read their way though all of this - in a way I don’t want people to read it, don’t want people to know… But I learnt once before - the hard way - the results of hiding emotions that are so powerful they dominate my mind. It feels good to have written something like this… Now I just have to hope that I can get away with having written it, and not have things change around me in unwelcome ways because of it…
Only a few days after the whole Malachai thing, it looks like Kotori is strongly vying for a position as an anthropomorphised part of my mind. At least 12 hours and an overnight sleep since the game ended, I’m still thinking like her…
I made quite a few notes on characters’ behaviour in the World of Darkness game on Thursday, and I’ve just got around to adding them to my file of notes on character and player psychology.
I felt it was probably best to put these notes online for players to read, and argue with if you feel that there’s something I’ve got wrong.
And so, another week finishes… Rarely have I been as glad to finish a week as I have been this time. So much of the last week was spent working, and although I still technically have a backlog of stuff to do, for now it feels like a few days of peacefulness are stretching ahead of me.
For now, though - and I don’t know why - I’m feeling wide awake and longing for something to do. I’ll probably go and write up some more notes for Dreaming Awake.
Also, the AvP film is great ^_^ Sooooo cheesy!
Today, I stepped completely inside an illusory mind. But yet, it’s not so entirely illusory. When I think about it, there was one event in my life that set in motion a change that made me who I am today, emotionally speaking. Without that one event, I would be a person like Malachai. I’m not sure if it should worry me or not that I can step so completely inside his mind at will.
“The mind is all that is real! All that makes us human! It’s meaningless to try and supress your own desires!”
Either way, it certainly made for an interesting roleplaying session (and here I should apologise to Adam, and most of the people I know online, blogging entirely about a roleplaying game). It seems that, even though I no longer get angry with anything, I can slip into being someone who does with remarkable ease. And pretty much all the things I said (at high volume, for at least five minutes, shouting at at least two voices in my head) are things that I verge on believing myself.
“You’re all just figments of my imagination! I am the fundamental thing! There is no reason for me to obey your desires over my own!”
In a way I’m thankful that I’m not Malachai, although I’ve begun to fear that should I ever “snap”, I might become the way he did today. Hopefully I will never find out if it’s possible for me to snap.
“Your eyes lie to you, your taste buds and your ears lie to you! Humans don’t have or need a body, the mind is all that matters!”
If I consider the self I call “Ian” to be a reference point, I think that Malachai may be some sort of counterpart to Tsuki. At first, I think of Malachai and Tsuki as two extremes, but when I consider it more deeply there’s a number of ways in which those two are alike while Ian is not. In fact, when I bring various RP characters into the complex interreaction inside my mind, the structure that I envisioned when Ian and Tsuki were the only two personality layers falls apart. This may be a good or a bad thing - either way, I think I need to reconsider my Mental Structure essay before I commit it to paper (and the internet).
“I don’t need to listen to voices in my head that aren’t mine! I am all that is, and all I ever need!”
In the end, at least, one thing is reassuring. Just as other characters in the game managed to talk and reason Malachai out of his rage eventually, I am sure that my friends will always be able to help me should I end up in a bad emotional state in real life too.
*“In the end, you were right. Who is inside whomever’s head makes no difference - there is a right way and a wrong way to treat others, whatever your belief or definition of reality. I believe in myself, and I believe in you. I trust you, and I have faith in you, my friends…”
~ Thoughts of Malachai Black, a created character and an aspect of myself.
A lot has happened today… First off, I actually managed to get enough work done this morning that I’m not quite so horribly behind, and I’m now actually feeling quite confident about Classical Mechanics.
Then, in the afternoon, we went shopping. I became a shameless consumer whore, eating at both KFC and Subway in one day. I also bought some manga (Crescent Moon 2 & 3) and a published book of a Cthulhu-related webcomic. Anna bought a plushie Cthulhu that spent at least half an hour sitting on Andy’s hat, while Mark went and bought an inflatable dalek for our living room. We have so much cool stuff in our living room now! Also, although we didn’t buy the books, there’s a really awesome-sounding new roleplaying game called Fireborn. It’s very appropriate to Tsuki.
Then, while in TK Maxx, we encountered The Fabled Wildebeest Cube of Doom +1. It was a kind of bean-bag-like-seat, which on first inspection looked furry. It turned out, though, that it was hairy. For some reason, we ended up thinking it was wildebeest hair…
Anyway, on the way to the supermarket we stopped at the seemingly- randomly-generated German market in the middle of town to buy chocolate-covered grapes and strawberries, which were extremely nice! Food shopping was tolerable, but getting all the stuff home (and ye gods, we bought so much stuff) was scary. I ended up carying five bags on a stick held up by my shoulders, because I couldn’t lift the damn things for very long with my hands…
After that lot, I was too worn out to do anything this evening except sit around and chat about anime and old console games… ^_^
(And, just so today’s report isn’t all happiness and joy, I’ve got to mention the recent developments in a certain Games Society forum thread. It’s beginning to scare me a little, and I’m getting worried that people could think wrongly about me after reading a thread like that… Just because I have something, doesn’t mean I like it. I have Windows XP on my hard disk, but I don’t like it. I have the Power Rangers theme in my MP3 collection, but I don’t like it. The fact my anime collection includes Puni Puni Poemi doesn’t necessarily mean I like it. In fact, I find it more than a little scary. So, please don’t judge me on things like that…)