Synopsis

ALEXANDER, a GENERIC DISNEY MOVIE KID, lives with this GENERIC DISNEY MOVIE FAMILY in GENERIC DISNEY MOVIE SUBURBIA. Everything is going OK until ALEXANDER curses them to an ETERNITY OF TORMENT where they begin to FAIL at EVER MORE BASIC TASKS until they are reduced to GIBBERING, INSANE SHADOWS OF THEIR FORMER SELVES.

Well that’s what I’m hoping for in the Director’s Cut, anyway.

By the Numbers

• Parking meters destroyed: 6
• Bumblebees macerated: 1
• Shrimp caught: 10
• Pirates set on fire: 1
• Acting talent: Some
• Australia: Persistent
• Songs: Mercifully, 0
• Aerial misadventures involving children off their face on cough syrup: 1
• Needlessly long, extensive, drawn-out, lengthy, padded, tediously elongated film titles: 1
• Pounds I just grudgingly gave Disney to peddle their mediocre American kiddy twaddle: 7
• Times I have now been encouraged by Dick van Dyke to take a dump in inappropriate places: Somehow, 4

Overall: 2 / 5