Synopsis

BABIES are all secretly SUPER SMART, because REINCARNATION, or PSYCHIC POWERS, or…

You know what? I have drunk so much wine to cope with this preposterous shit that I have absolutely no idea.

By the Numbers

• BABY DEFCON: 1
• Inexplicable mazes: 1
• Convincing statues: 0
• Inexplicable Giant Floating Baby Heads: 2
• Doc Browns: 1
• Baby Geniuses: 0
• Toddler Geniuses: 7
• Kung Fu Toddlers: Somehow, some
• 6-foot-tall Chuckie-esque nightmare fuel babies: 1
• Robotic North Poles: How does that even?
• Crotch shots: 21
• Babies writing in Cuneiform: WHAT
• Bullshit factor:
  
• Horrifying Justin Bieber / Stephanie from Lazy Town crossbreeds: 1
  
• P. Oopie Bottoms: 1
• Hobos beaten up in public lavatories: WHAT AM I WATCHING
• Ultrapaedo: Present
• Cigars smoked: 1
• Evil Lenin: EVIL LENIN
• Walls of bears: 0 good ones
• Liechtensteins: More than one?
• Inevitable fun houses full of evil clowns: 1
• Evil Goose: EVIL GOOSE
• : More like Rolling On Floor Weeping tbh
• Terminator references from toddlers: 1
• Three Stooges references from toddlers: 2
• Happy Days references from toddlers: 1
• Saturday Night Fever references from… you know what, fuck this, I’m out.
• Alcohol required: OVER 9000 ALCOHOLS
• “This is pathetic.”: YES IT FUCKING WELL IS
• Cost of sequel: Hopefully a lot less than 20 million dollars.

Overall: -2147483647 / 5