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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Beastly

Synopsis

TOM RIDDLE is a DICK to a WITCH in HIGH SCHOOL.  She then turns him into VOLDEMORT, and sends him on a QUEST for TRUE LUUUUURVE in order for him to be NOT VOLDEMORT again.

By the Numbers

  • Beauties: 2
  • Beasts: 0
  • Ashley Olsen: 0 (MIA?)
  • Arabic eyebrows: 2
  • Baboons scratching their arses: 1
  • Municipal buildings with burglar alarms: 0
  • Friend-zones escaped: 1
  • Extent to which this is less creepy than Disney’s Beauty and the Beast: over 9000
  • Extent to which the ending kind of fucks up the message, just as always: 2175
  • Times I’ve drawn on people to achieve precisely that look prior to alternative club nights: it’s many

Overall: 3 / 5

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