Dune (1984)

Synopsis

It’s fucking DUNE. I can’t believe you made me review this.

“What’s in the box?” “PAIN.”

By the Numbers

• Minutes of voice-over to explain what the hell is going on: 27
• Plots that would make sense without this: 0
• Gay Nazis: 148
• Captain Picards: 1
• Bad 80s force-fields: 5
• Nuns of Doom: 7
• Times Eric has referred to the Bene Gesserit as “Ben & Jerrys”: 18
• Times Eric has attempted to pronounce “Kwisatz Haderach”: Mercifully, 0
• Hairspray used, in litres: 124
• Combat Eyebrows: 2
• Evil points gained by floating while cackling: 304
• Glowing orange fire-spitting teleporting hyper-intelligent death slugs: 3
• Bitching guitar solos: 2
• David Lynch Cameos: 1
• Lightning-spitting mile-long Sand Dicks: 4
• Lightning-spitting mile-long Sand Dicks ridden with reins: 2
• Creepy little sisters: 1
• Years for which you will see this in your nightmares: over 9000

Overall: 4 / 5

(3/5 for plot, 1/5 for special effects, 5/5 for THIS IS MY CHILDHOOD I’M REVIEWING HERE)