ANNOYING WIMPY KID secretly has ULTIMATE COSMIC POWER. He meets NICHOLAS KANE, who he promptly locks in a BOTTLE for 10 YEARS.
When he finally emerges, he teaches ANNOYING WIMPY UNDERGRAD to SAVE THE WORLD by using MAGIC. Which is naturally possible because MUGGLES only use 10% OF THEIR BRAIN and OH GOD WHY WON’T HOLLYWOOD LET THAT EXPLANATION DIE?!
Anyway, yeah, they save the world and shit. With RAPID-FIRE KAMEHAMEHAs and STEALTH MOTHERFUCKING TESLA COILS.
By the Numbers:
- Minutes for which the film is cool: 3
- Solomon Kanes: 0.0001
- Green Lanterns: 0.002
- Nicholas Goddamn Cage: 1… again.
- Radio stations fixed using only an oscilloscope: 1
- Random Tesla coils in the basement: 4
- Simply fabulous (dahlings) magicians: 1
- Car chases: Somehow, 1
- Satellite dish alignments depended on for the apocalypse to occur: 12
- Dancing Brooms: 14
- Mickey Mouse: 0
- Scenes from this film that would make good covers for metal albums: over 9000
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