ANNOYING WIMPY KID secretly has ULTIMATE COSMIC POWER. He meets NICHOLAS KANE, who he promptly locks in a BOTTLE for 10 YEARS.

When he finally emerges, he teaches ANNOYING WIMPY UNDERGRAD to SAVE THE WORLD by using MAGIC. Which is naturally possible because MUGGLES only use 10% OF THEIR BRAIN and OH GOD WHY WON’T HOLLYWOOD LET THAT EXPLANATION DIE?!

Anyway, yeah, they save the world and shit. With RAPID-FIRE KAMEHAMEHAs and STEALTH MOTHERFUCKING TESLA COILS.

By the Numbers:

  • Minutes for which the film is cool: 3
  • Solomon Kanes: 0.0001
  • Green Lanterns: 0.002
  • Nicholas Goddamn Cage: 1… again.
  • Radio stations fixed using only an oscilloscope: 1
  • Random Tesla coils in the basement: 4
  • Simply fabulous (dahlings) magicians: 1
  • Car chases: Somehow, 1
  • Satellite dish alignments depended on for the apocalypse to occur: 12
  • Dancing Brooms: 14
  • Mickey Mouse: 0
  • Scenes from this film that would make good covers for metal albums: over 9000

Overall: 3 / 5