A guest review by Danfox Davies.
Synopsis
A pretty Australian singer who is not KYLIE MINOGUE moves to SCOTLAND and gets ANOREXIA. In an attempt to get herself back on the DEEP-FRIED EVERYTHING, she meets/drunkenly walks home with a NERD who plays music. There now follows ANGST, Scotland, tweeness and RANDOMLY BREAKING INTO SONG.
By the Numbers
- Careful auto-defenestrations: 1
- Sheets tied together unnecessarily for an aborted auto-defenestration: at least 5
- Glasgow: 1000% (Distilled like a fine Scottish Single Malt).
- King James VI of Scotland: somehow, 1
- Belle & Sebastian cameos: 7
- Spectacles carefully removed prior to nerdy slap-fights: 2 pairs
- Buses: 6
- Lifeguard skill level: 0
- Blinks needed to miss years of the protagonist’s life: 1
- Positive messages: some
- Sensitivity with which Stuart Murdoch made this: exactly 9000
- “POW, right in the fanny”: 1
- Abandoned Rabbit Constitutions: 1
- US Constitutions: 0
- Lessons for my mum’s entire side of my family had they watched this 35 years ago: so many it may have caused me not to exist now. Good job Stuart waited till 2015, then.
- Whistlers in perfect tune: 3
- Proclaimers of song-writing deities: 1
- Proclaimers: preposterously, 0
- Pervy mannequin dopplegänger: 1
- Montages: 7
- Overfilled bookshop scenes during musical numbers: 3
- Overfilled bath scenes leading into peculiar rare-instrument musical numbers: 2
- Bathroom queue length: 9
- Ornithological jokes: 1
- Neds: 3(0,000)
- Hipsters: 8 (according to the credits!)
- Drunken sailors: 1
- Racist foreigners: 1
- Members of Foreigner: 0
- Hallucinogen dispensing hooligans alluded to: 2
- Fucks given about lying on brambles and nettles: 0
- Flyers posted: 1980
- Angry mobs: 0
- Happy mobs: 1
- Average male ejaculate: 10cc (we are nothing if not educational!)
- The Timewarp, Part 2: it’s ali-hi-hi-hi-hive! IT’S ALIVE!!! And Oh My God, so frickin’ twee!
- Tweeness: OVER 9000
- Pills: 23
- World’s twee-est downward spiral into drink, drugs and suicide attempts: What?
- World’s last cassette tape: present
- Mr Ben’s shop: somehow, present
- “But you know what? Fuck off! This is my dream.”: well said.
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