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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

The Lone Ranger (2013)

Synopsis

SOME BAD GUYS plot to steal A LOT OF SILVER. Luckily, THE LONE RANGER and JOHNNY DEPP WITH A BIRD ON HIS HEAD are here to save the day with YET ANOTHER TIM BURTON MOVIE!

By the Numbers

  • Trade price of 1 dead mouse: 12 peanuts
  • Inevitable Helena Bonham-Carters: 1
  • Ineffectual daytime camera flashes: 3
  • Times when being in manacles turns out to be surprisingly handy for combat stunts: 5
  • Foreboding horses: 1
  • B-list actors dragged through steaming horseshit: 1
  • NASTY POINTY TEETH: 9 bunnies’ worth
  • Gun-legs: GUN-LEGS
  • Birdcage on head: WHAT AM I EVEN WATCHING
  • Needles pissed on: 1
  • Action heroes outrunning explosions: Inevitably, 2
  • FINISH HIM!: nope
  • Minutes into film that the actual Lone Ranger film begins: 125

Aaaaaaand… here we go.

  • Horses ridden on trains: 1
  • Horses ridden through trains: 1
  • Wenches thrown from trains: 1
  • Pistols fired wildly into the air: 2
  • Pistol vs catapult fights: 1
  • Ladders used for train boarding maneuvers: 1
  • Train roof punch-ups: 1
  • Improbably lassoing action: 2
  • Instances of hot train-on-train action: 2
  • Train roof make-outs: 1
  • Bad guys disarmed with silver bullets: 1
  • Explosively demolished train bridges: 1
  • Trains plunging into gorges: 1
  • Heroes saved just in time: 1
  • Sustained playing of the William Tell Overture, minutes: 19
  • “Hi-ya, Silver!”: 1

And I think we’re done here.

Overall: 3 / 5

I've no idea what you're talking about, so here's Johnny Depp with a bird on his head

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