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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

God Help the Girl

A guest review by Danfox Davies.

Synopsis

A pretty Australian singer who is not KYLIE MINOGUE moves to SCOTLAND and gets ANOREXIA. In an attempt to get herself back on the DEEP-FRIED EVERYTHING, she meets/drunkenly walks home with a NERD who plays music. There now follows ANGST, Scotland, tweeness and RANDOMLY BREAKING INTO SONG.

By the Numbers

  • Careful auto-defenestrations: 1
  • Sheets tied together unnecessarily for an aborted auto-defenestration: at least 5
  • Glasgow: 1000% (Distilled like a fine Scottish Single Malt).
  • King James VI of Scotland: somehow, 1
  • Belle & Sebastian cameos: 7
  • Spectacles carefully removed prior to nerdy slap-fights: 2 pairs
  • Buses: 6
  • Lifeguard skill level: 0
  • Blinks needed to miss years of the protagonist’s life: 1
  • Positive messages: some
  • Sensitivity with which Stuart Murdoch made this: exactly 9000
  • “POW, right in the fanny”: 1
  • Abandoned Rabbit Constitutions: 1
  • US Constitutions: 0
  • Lessons for my mum’s entire side of my family had they watched this 35 years ago: so many it may have caused me not to exist now. Good job Stuart waited till 2015, then.
  • Whistlers in perfect tune: 3
  • Proclaimers of song-writing deities: 1
  • Proclaimers: preposterously, 0
  • Pervy mannequin dopplegänger: 1
  • Montages: 7
  • Overfilled bookshop scenes during musical numbers: 3
  • Overfilled bath scenes leading into peculiar rare-instrument musical numbers: 2
  • Bathroom queue length: 9
  • Ornithological jokes: 1
  • Neds: 3(0,000)
  • Hipsters: 8 (according to the credits!)
  • Drunken sailors: 1
  • Racist foreigners: 1
  • Members of Foreigner: 0
  • Hallucinogen dispensing hooligans alluded to: 2
  • Fucks given about lying on brambles and nettles: 0
  • Flyers posted: 1980
  • Angry mobs: 0
  • Happy mobs: 1
  • Average male ejaculate: 10cc (we are nothing if not educational!)
  • The Timewarp, Part 2: it’s ali-hi-hi-hi-hive! IT’S ALIVE!!! And Oh My God, so frickin’ twee!
  • Tweeness: OVER 9000
  • Pills: 23
  • World’s twee-est downward spiral into drink, drugs and suicide attempts: What?
  • World’s last cassette tape: present
  • Mr Ben’s shop: somehow, present
  • “But you know what? Fuck off! This is my dream.”: well said.

Overall: 4 / 5

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