Synopsis

Medieval Paris: The Musical.

A QUASI-JUDICIARY SECRETLY PURITANICAL EVIL DERANGED MEGALOMANIACAL OVERLORD keeps a man with an apparently LARGELY SUPERFICIAL spinal and facial DEFORMITY in FALSE IMPRISONMENT as a campanological SLAVE.

After 20 years OPPORTUNITY knocks in the form of the MOST BEAUTIFUL AND SENSIBLE GIRL IN PARIS. Naturally, NERDY BELL RINGER doesn’t stand a chance because his SOCIAL SKILLS are ZILCH.

Also, HULK SMASH.

By the Numbers

• Gypsies: 16
• Bells: 15+
• Light-relief high-intelligence pets: 2
• Frollo, SAN: -1157
• Artwork level: Expert
• Spanish Inquisitions: 0
• French Inquisitions: 1
• Witch hunts as covers for sexual conquest: 1
• Animate gargoyles: 4 (one of whom has a New Yoik accent?!)
• Animate statues: 12
• Cathedrals: 1
• Bazaars: 2
• Bizarres: Many
• Hunchbacks: 1
• Hunches: 3
• Models of Paris: 2
• Terrible puns: 2
• Fursuits: possibly 4?
• “Look at that disgusting display!”
• “Yes, Sir!”: 1
• Guards to gypsy girls ratio: 10:1
• “I’m free! I’m free! Oh! Dang it.”: 2
• Metal roof tiles surfed on: 1
• Pieces of silver to give up the nice one: 20
• Burgundy in bad years: 1470
• Court of Miracles, in miracles: 1,004
• Courts of Ankle-Deep Sewage: 1
• Well timed ambushes: 1
• Jester, in Grand Jobs: 4
• Holy gargoyle machine guns: 1
• Holy catapults of Notre Dame dropped off the cathedral wall:
  “Are you sure that’s how it works?”
  Catapult triggers and crushes guards
  “Works for me!”: 1
• Holy murder holes of Notre Dame: 27 (actually if you read the Bible, it kind of figures)
• Holy Hand Grenades of Antioch: Alas, 0
• Massive fires put out in no time: Shall we just assume that time did pass?

Overall: 3 / 5

“Why is it that whenever I’m with you, I end up bleeding?”
That’s what she said?