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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Synopsis

Medieval Paris: The Musical.

A QUASI-JUDICIARY SECRETLY PURITANICAL EVIL DERANGED MEGALOMANIACAL OVERLORD keeps a man with an apparently LARGELY SUPERFICIAL spinal and facial DEFORMITY in FALSE IMPRISONMENT as a campanological SLAVE.

After 20 years OPPORTUNITY knocks in the form of the MOST BEAUTIFUL AND SENSIBLE GIRL IN PARIS. Naturally, NERDY BELL RINGER doesn’t stand a chance because his SOCIAL SKILLS are ZILCH.

Also, HULK SMASH.

By the Numbers

  • Gypsies: 16
  • Bells: 15+
  • Light-relief high-intelligence pets: 2
  • Frollo, SAN: -1157
  • Artwork level: Expert
  • Spanish Inquisitions: 0
  • French Inquisitions: 1
  • Witch hunts as covers for sexual conquest: 1
  • Animate gargoyles: 4 (one of whom has a New Yoik accent?!)
  • Animate statues: 12
  • Cathedrals: 1
  • Bazaars: 2
  • Bizarres: Many
  • Hunchbacks: 1
  • Hunches: 3
  • Models of Paris: 2
  • Terrible puns: 2
  • Fursuits: possibly 4?
  • “Look at that disgusting display!”
  • “Yes, Sir!”: 1
  • Guards to gypsy girls ratio: 10:1
  • “I’m free! I’m free! Oh! Dang it.”: 2
  • Metal roof tiles surfed on: 1
  • Pieces of silver to give up the nice one: 20
  • Burgundy in bad years: 1470
  • Court of Miracles, in miracles: 1,004
  • Courts of Ankle-Deep Sewage: 1
  • Well timed ambushes: 1
  • Jester, in Grand Jobs: 4
  • Holy gargoyle machine guns: 1
  • Holy catapults of Notre Dame dropped off the cathedral wall:
    “Are you sure that’s how it works?”
    Catapult triggers and crushes guards
    “Works for me!”: 1
  • Holy murder holes of Notre Dame: 27 (actually if you read the Bible, it kind of figures)
  • Holy Hand Grenades of Antioch: Alas, 0
  • Massive fires put out in no time: Shall we just assume that time did pass?

Overall: 3 / 5

“Why is it that whenever I’m with you, I end up bleeding?”
That’s what she said?

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