« Film Review by the Numbers
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Medieval Paris: The Musical.
A QUASI-JUDICIARY SECRETLY PURITANICAL EVIL DERANGED MEGALOMANIACAL OVERLORD keeps a man with an apparently LARGELY SUPERFICIAL spinal and facial DEFORMITY in FALSE IMPRISONMENT as a campanological SLAVE.
After 20 years OPPORTUNITY knocks in the form of the MOST BEAUTIFUL AND SENSIBLE GIRL IN PARIS. Naturally, NERDY BELL RINGER doesn’t stand a chance because his SOCIAL SKILLS are ZILCH.
Also, HULK SMASH.
By the Numbers
- Gypsies: 16
- Bells: 15+
- Light-relief high-intelligence pets: 2
- Frollo, SAN: -1157
- Artwork level: Expert
- Spanish Inquisitions: 0
- French Inquisitions: 1
- Witch hunts as covers for sexual conquest: 1
- Animate gargoyles: 4 (one of whom has a New Yoik accent?!)
- Animate statues: 12
- Cathedrals: 1
- Bazaars: 2
- Bizarres: Many
- Hunchbacks: 1
- Hunches: 3
- Models of Paris: 2
- Terrible puns: 2
- Fursuits: possibly 4?
- “Look at that disgusting display!”
- “Yes, Sir!”: 1
- Guards to gypsy girls ratio: 10:1
- “I’m free! I’m free! Oh! Dang it.”: 2
- Metal roof tiles surfed on: 1
- Pieces of silver to give up the nice one: 20
- Burgundy in bad years: 1470
- Court of Miracles, in miracles: 1,004
- Courts of Ankle-Deep Sewage: 1
- Well timed ambushes: 1
- Jester, in Grand Jobs: 4
- Holy gargoyle machine guns: 1
- Holy catapults of Notre Dame dropped off the cathedral wall:
“Are you sure that’s how it works?”
Catapult triggers and crushes guards
“Works for me!”: 1
- Holy murder holes of Notre Dame: 27 (actually if you read the Bible, it kind of figures)
- Holy Hand Grenades of Antioch: Alas, 0
- Massive fires put out in no time: Shall we just assume that time did pass?
Overall: 3 / 5
“Why is it that whenever I’m with you, I end up bleeding?”
That’s what she said?
Add a Comment