Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Going the Distance


THE APPLE GUY (not ROBERT WEBB, the AMERICAN ONE) is secretly MY BROTHER-IN-LAW. He gets into a long-distance relationship with DREW BARRYMORE. It’s all VERY FAMILIAR. A couple of AMUSING THINGS happen. Some SAD THINGS happen. A lot more EMBARRASSING THINGS happen. CENTIPEDE happens. HEARTS are WARMED, ETCETERA.


By the Numbers

  • Punches in the face that Amy needs: 742
  • Own dicks sucked: 1
  • Centipedophiles: 2
  • Miles fucked: 2564
  • Unexpected this: 1
  • Successful tans: 0
  • Dicks, in percent: 20
  • Phone sex, in embarrassment: over 9000
  • Dry humping: too much
  • Tom Cruise toilet paper, in rolls: 1 (theoretical)
  • Unexpected Hitlers: 1
  • Angry Jews: 2

Overall: 3 / 5

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