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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Nancy Drew

Synopsis

NANCY DREW, for NO ADEQUATELY EXPLAINED REASON, is an EXTREMELY PUNCHABLE TEENAGE DETECTIVE. For likewise INADEQUATELY EXPLAINED REASONS, she then moves to CALIFORNIA, and continues being a TEENAGER, a DETECTIVE, and handily also EXTREMELY PUNCHABLE.

By the Numbers

  • Laws willingly broken for cake: 2
  • Convincing hauntings: 0
  • Scenes of miscellaneous high-school bullshit: 207
  • Disappointing covers of Blue Monday: 1
  • e;mail: 1
  • Lattes posessed by Chinese restaurant: 0
  • Explosions: somehow, 1
  • Actual age of Rachel Leigh Cook in this film: 28
  • Apparent age of Rachel Leigh Cook in this film: 14
  • Will to live: 0
  • Bruce Willis, what the hell: 1

Overall: 1 / 5

2 replies on “Nancy Drew”

That’s the one. I am not entirely sure why, except that I can’t imagine the titular character ever listening to the original. Or knowing what it’s about.

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