Synopsis

NICOLAS CAGE, a GOOD TREASURE HUNTER, steals the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE so that SEAN BEAN, a BAD TREASURE HUNTER, can’t steal the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. Because that would be BAD.

They then go on a FUN EASTER EGG HUNT across AMERICA, finding some SECRET CODES to unlock the location of some 3D SPECS to read the SECRET CLUE to the RENDEZVOUS on the AIRCRAFT CARRIER and discover the SECRET-ER CLUE that leads to the CHURCH with the GRAVE with the SECRET DUMBWAITER and the TREASURE ROOM, in which lies… guess what… a PILE OF WET FISH!

Oh wait no, it’s treasure.

Also apparently I am not alone in badly photoshopping Nicolas Cage’s face onto things.

By the Numbers

• Ancient wisdom conferred through US banknote conspiracies: Some
• Average age of Masons these days: 10
• Corpsicles: 2
• : 1
• Years gunpowder can survive being buried in ice: Apparently, hundreds
• Minutes of ‘MURICA fanwank: 8
• Tense scenes of lasange-microwaving: 1
• Pick-up lines involving having entrails cut out and burned: 1
• Success that pick-up line had: 0%
• Bullets deflected by priceless historical artefacts: 4
• Citrus fruit rubbed onto priceless historical artefacts: 12
• Small children recruited as an accessory to theft: 1
• “Divers, go to Action Zebra!”: 1
• “Look, scrolls from the library of Alexandria!”: HEY LET’S PLAY WITH FIRE THAT WENT TOTALLY GREAT FOR, UH, THE LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA
• Films that Sean Bean survives: I guess one?

Overall: DEVASTATINGLY MEDIOCRE / 5

ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED