Synopsis

It’s 2015, and “A NETFLIX ORIGINAL MOVIE” is the new “DIRECT TO VHS”. In this EXEMPLARY WASTE OF CELLULOID, the MAGNIFICENT SEVEN is PISSED ALL OVER by ADAM FUCKING SANDLER.

And the fact that A DOZEN OF THE CAST walked out of the production on grounds of ALL THE RACISM and you just know you’re IN FOR A TREAT.

The kind of TREAT where you unwrap it and discover that not only has SOMEBODY ALREADY EATEN THE CHOCOLATE, they’ve replaced it with A CREATION OF UTTER, UNSPEAKABLE HORROR FROM THE DEPTHS OF YOUR DARKEST NIGHTMARES.

Thanks ADAM SANDLER!

By the Numbers

• Eyeballs per jar: 5
• Bullet-time handstands: 1
• Carrot impalements: AGAIN?!
• Axe-wielding toddlers: 1
• Native Americans called “Never Wears Bra”: KILL ME NOW
• Brony Expresses: 1
• Racist stereotypes: ALL THE RACIST STEREOTYPES
• Shoulders gnawed upon: 1
• Explosive black donkey diahorrea, pints: 6
• Melon-fuckers: 1
• Donkey-fuckers: 1
• Chekhov’s diahorrea: Grimly inevitable
• Chekhov’s playing-the-piano-with-his-dick: THIS IS WHAT DESPAIR LOOKS LIKE
• Eye-gouging scenes: unnecessarily more than zero
• Deployments of the fly-castrating joke: 0.7
• Rolls on the random accent table: 8
• Shots fired by headless corpses: 15
• Random encounters of one Englishman and nine Chinese men inventing baseball: 1
• Heartwarming campfire songs about taco trees, having three nipples, and playing the piano with your dick: NOPE NOPE NOPE
• FUCKING VANILLA FUCKING ICE: I AM OUT

Overall: EXPLOSIVE DONKEY DIAHORREA / 5

“Now I do want to cut my eyeballs out.”
YEP US TOO.