It is the EARLY CENOZOIC ERA. Some MYSTICAL BULLSHIT is going down. In his dying moments, ZORDON passes on his MACGUFFINS OF POWER and instructs them to find someone worthy… 65 MILLION YEARS LATER. The PRESENT DAY. The curtain opens upon our BRAVE HEROES. Who are JERKING OFF A BULL. I shit you not. Jerking off a bull. The Power Rangers, ladies and gentlemen.

By the Numbers

  • Bullies slapped into submission: 1
  • Crayons the can be crammed into the Blue Ranger’s butt: 0
  • Sticks of dynamite used to express daddy issues: 5
  • Minivans drifted: 1
  • Inevitable Mystic Colour-coded Stones of Power: 5
  • Minutes of film dedicated to character development: A lot (is this really Power Rangers?)
  • Cops murdered by Ritathulhu: at least two
  • Townsfolk murdered in acts of back-alley dentistry: 13
  • Power Ranger magic that also seems to protect their phones and clothes from getting wet: yep
  • Rita Repulsa, black metal singer factor: over 9000
  • Goldar, in carats: 24
  • “AY-AY-AY!”: Sadly fucking inevitable
  • Ultimate Cosmic Power unlocked by campfire bonding sessions: apparently
  • Ridiculous combat backflips: somehow, 0
  • Krispy Kremes of Doom: 1
  • Product placement: OFF THE SCALE
  • “HOLD THE LINE!!! …you are number seven in the queue.”
  • Megazord control schemes, from the team that brought you QWOP: 1
  • RITA REPULSA BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAaaaaaaaiiiiinnnn: so that happened
  • Giant robot crotch grinding: that too Image result for power rangers 2017
  • BULLS JERKED OFF: 1 (I am still not over this)

Overall: A grudging 3 / 5