Categories
Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

The Titan (2018)

Synopsis

Some AMERICANS and some BRITS get together at FUTURE SECRET NATO BASE and mod their GENES, get drunk, take drugs and go SWIMMING. Sounds like a nice holiday!

By the Numbers

  • Random future year: 2048
  • Price of a life: $300,000,000
  • Base,
    in square miles: 4
  • Military estate agents: 1
  • Tender father-son holographic stellarium repairs: 1
  • Apocalypses: Now
  • Slow-mo laboratory liquid diffusions: of course
  • Injection squick factor: 1
  • Deaths from immunorejection: 1
  • Random violent rages: 2
  • Deaths from that: 24
  • Pharmaceutical debates: 1
  • Rounds of shots downed to cope with this film: 2
  • Handrail-less staircases drunkenly ascended: 2, barely
  • The above, descended wrapped in a duvet: 2, easily
  • Ill-advised pharmaceuticals for the transformation patients: several
  • Religious astronaut WAGs: 1
  • Titans, in the Greek sense: 0
  • Superman: 1
  • Training montages: 1
  • Surgical montages: 1
  • Digits per hand post-TF: 4
  • Lovechildren of Voldemort and the Silence from Dr Who: 2
  • Unnecessary smart-glass opacity change sound effects: hmm
  • Swabs of toilets analysed: Yep, this film tried to be scientific, but…
  • Prehensile tentacle fingers: oh my.

Overall: 2/5

“Goodnight Earthling”

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