Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Safety Not Guaranteed


An INTERN who must be CRUSHED UNDER THE UNCARING FOOT OF SOCIETY and a few DOUCHEBAGS decide SEATTLE is having a SLOW NEWS DAY. So they do what any sane person would do, and read the ads column in the local paper to find their FRIENDLY LOCAL PARANOID TIME MACHINE INVENTOR so they can go harass him.

Um, intern? You didn’t hear me right. I said HARASS, not fall in love. Oh. Now you’ve got ALL THE FEELS.

By the Numbers

  • Toilet rolls: 128
  • P.O. Box: 91
  • Paranoia: 51
  • Shots per bottle: 3
  • Zithers: Satisfyingly, 1
  • Campbell’s Tomato Soup, in Andy Warhol Factor: 0.94
  • 80s: 4
  • 90s: 15
  • Training montages: 1
  • Random American house number: 4630
  • Random time travel year: 2001
  • Pies: π
  • Oscilloscopes: at least 2
  • Confidence roll: Natural 20
  • FBI agents: actually present
  • 4th Wall prods: 2
  • Deaths averted by time travel: 0.5 ± 0.5
  • Hitler Babies killed: probably 0.

Overall: 5/5

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