Synopsis

A WOMAN suffering from an acute case of MY BODY IS ACTUALLY SNAKES DISEASE gets on a TRAIN full of EXTREMELY PUNCHABLE STEREOTYPES. Her destination: LOS ANGELES, home of the only SHAMAN who can cure MY BODY IS ACTUALLY SNAKES DISEASE. Because it is caused by a VOODOO CURSE. OBVIOUSLY.

Naturally, SNAKES break loose, on the TRAIN, until everyone has had just about ENOUGH OF THE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THE MOTHERFUCKING TRAIN.

I, too, have had ENOUGH OF MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON A TRAIN.

By the Numbers

  • Mexican ladies coughing up snakes: 1
  • Dead cowboys: 2
  • Southern Pacific railway announcers, HAL: 9000
  • “Why you gotta’ be such a… vagina?”: 1
  • Minutes of thrilling train ticket checking drama: 6
  • Oil puked, pints: 13
  • Head injuries caused by first aid box: 1
  • Guys unable to open a cage tied shut by a rope covered in Swarfega: 2
  • Guys whose attempts to open the cage include tasting the Swarfega: 1
  • Boxes that REALLY FUCKING OBVIOUSLY CONTAIN SNAKES: I
  • HEARTS FULL OF SNAKES JUST RIPPED OUT OF PEOPLE’S CHESTS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK MAN seriously: 1
  • Trouser snakes (tee hee): 4
  • Snakes killed by people in this film: inexplicably, I think… none?
  • Minutes of utterly unnecessary awkward rape scene: 3
  • Snakes promised by film tagline: 3000
  • Snakes delivered: like 20
  • Passengers promised by film tagline: 100
  • Passengers delivered: budget would only stretch to 14
  • Occurences of random mid-take cuts due to poor acting… or there only being one big snake available: 27
  • Gory wound special effects budget: $200
  • Total film budget: $201.57
  • Trains STRAIGHT UP FUCKING EATEN BY GIANT SNAKE WOMAN: WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK
  • GIANT SNAKE WOMEN DESPATCHED BY MAGIC VOODOO NUCLEAR SNAKENADO: AHAHAHA WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

Overall: menos uno / cinco

Asylum factor: Jesus Christ this is bad even by their standards what the fuck did we even just watch