Our hero, SMARMY GIT, steals a PLOT FLANGE and escapes along with a PRINCESS. They spend the next two hours being chased by BAD GUYS and being BITCHY at each other. Then, they SAVE THE WORLD and FIX EVERYTHING and it’s all HAPPINESS and BLUEBIRDS and all that.

By the Numbers

  • Names that the main character now has: 1
  • Scenes in which the main character’s chest is prominent: 47
  • Swords swung: Over 9000
  • Arrows fired: Over 9000
  • Things parkoured: Over 9000
  • Mooks killed: Over 9000
  • Bosses fought: 5
  • Seconds taken by guy with two scimitars to kill a guy fighting on foot with a lance: Inexplicably, more than 5
  • Ostriches: 8
  • Guys with spiky claws on chains: 1 (inside my brain, Orishaal squee’d)
  • Abuses of portable magical Deus Ex Machina plotflange: 7
  • Times I used the plotflange while playing the equivalent game: A lot more than 7
  • Convincing Persian Accents: 0

Overall: 4 / 5

Cheese Factor: Blue Vinney