A guest review by Ian “Devo” Montgomery
PAUL W.S. ANDERSON’S WIFE stars in PAUL W.S. ANDERSON’S slightly-more-faithful adaptation of the POPULAR VIDEO GAME SEQUEL.
In response to a MAN-MADE PLAGUE leaking out in their underground lab from the first film, the Umbrella Corporation think it’s a good idea to RE-OPEN THE DOORS and see what happened down there. Naturally, ALL THE ZOMBIES HAPPEN and an entire city goes to hell. COPS, COMMANDOS and PAUL W.S. ANDERSON’S WIFE (oh myyy!) fight against the undead hordes whilst looking for a lost child while being chased by a mutant super-soldier.
By the Numbers
- Minutes of recap at the start of the film: 2
- Raccoon Cities: 1
- Raccoons: 0 (Such blatantly false advertising!)
- Sinister black SUV’s: ALL THE SINISTER BLACK SUV’S
- Lawsuits filed against Umbrella for severe corporate negligence: None, because everyone who could have filed such lawsuits is (UN)DEAD
- Token black cop destined to die: Check
- Zombie hookers: 3
- Arousals triggered by zombie hookers: 1 (Eew!!)
- Minutes of film before Alice gets to do anything: 27
- Scenes copy-pasted from the Resident Evil games: 3
- STARS: 12 to 0 in 10 seconds
- Precision Tactical Nuclear Device in kilotons: 5
- Times Alice pumps shotgun for dramatic effect: 1
- Times Alice COULD have pumped a shotgun for dramatic effect: 6, in the space of one minute-long scene
- 8-foot fences jumped by a walking tank: DA FUQ!?
- Solid walls bulldozed by a walking tank: 1
- Frying pans of bludgeoning: +1
- Zombie children: Class in full attendance
- Hot dogs: 2
- Sudden, inevitable betrayals: ½ since it’s not really inevitable
- Zombies that bad guy gets buried under: OVER 900!!
- Readers who saw another 0 at the end of that number: You know you did ;D