This Film Review by the numbers co-written with Devo.

Synopsis

PAUL W.S. ANDERSON’S WIFE stars in PAUL W.S. ANDERSON’S not-entirely-faithful adaptation of the POPULAR VIDEO GAME.

In a response to a MAN-MADE PLAGUE leaking out the long-lost SISTER of HAL 9000 straight up murders everyone. COMMANDOS storm in to shut her down, at which point ALL THE ZOMBIES happen.

By the Numbers

• DNA in DNA-shaped test tubes: 8 (OMG SO META)
• Fire supression systems purchased from Skynet: 1
• Corporate drones murdered: 500
• Daniel Suarez novels: 0.87
• Red Queen Hypotheses: 1.34
• Jetpack Joyride laser systems: 1
• People killed in a zombie movie before there are any zombies: 4
• Creepy laser children: 1
• Axe zombies: 1
• CGI standard: 1995
• Michelle Rodriguez badassery factor: over 9000 (IT RETURNS)
• Zombie films the characters have seen prior to the events of this film: apparently none
• Injuries sustained to Milla Jovovich’s bare legs during 67 minutes of zombie-fighting: 0
• Wall-running roundhouse kicks to dogs’ faces: 1 (what the fuck did I just watch?)
• T-virus demon tongue bitch-slaps: 1
• Killer paperweights: 1
• Suicides: almost 1
• Bunnies: 1
• Bunny suicides: sadly none
• Minutes shorter the film would have been if they’d just dynamited the Hive entrance and covered it in 30 feet of concrete: 99

Overall: 3 / 5