This Film Review by the numbers co-written with Devo.


PAUL W.S. ANDERSON’S WIFE stars in PAUL W.S. ANDERSON’S not-entirely-faithful adaptation of the POPULAR VIDEO GAME.

In a response to a MAN-MADE PLAGUE leaking out the long-lost SISTER of HAL 9000 straight up murders everyone. COMMANDOS storm in to shut her down, at which point ALL THE ZOMBIES happen.

By the Numbers

  • DNA in DNA-shaped test tubes: 8 (OMG SO META)
  • Fire supression systems purchased from Skynet: 1
  • Corporate drones murdered: 500
  • Daniel Suarez novels: 0.87
  • Red Queen Hypotheses: 1.34
  • Jetpack Joyride laser systems: 1
  • People killed in a zombie movie before there are any zombies: 4
  • Creepy laser children: 1
  • Axe zombies: 1
  • CGI standard: 1995
  • Michelle Rodriguez badassery factor: over 9000 (IT RETURNS)
  • Zombie films the characters have seen prior to the events of this film: apparently none
  • Injuries sustained to Milla Jovovich’s bare legs during 67 minutes of zombie-fighting: 0
  • Wall-running roundhouse kicks to dogs’ faces: 1 (what the fuck did I just watch?)
  • T-virus demon tongue bitch-slaps: 1
  • Killer paperweights: 1
  • Suicides: almost 1
  • Bunnies: 1
  • Bunny suicides: sadly none
  • Minutes shorter the film would have been if they’d just dynamited the Hive entrance and covered it in 30 feet of concrete: 99

Overall: 3 / 5