This Film Review by the numbers co-written with Devo.
PAUL W.S. ANDERSON’S WIFE stars in PAUL W.S. ANDERSON’S not-entirely-faithful adaptation of the POPULAR VIDEO GAME.
In a response to a MAN-MADE PLAGUE leaking out the long-lost SISTER of HAL 9000 straight up murders everyone. COMMANDOS storm in to shut her down, at which point ALL THE ZOMBIES happen.
By the Numbers
- DNA in DNA-shaped test tubes: 8 (OMG SO META)
- Fire supression systems purchased from Skynet: 1
- Corporate drones murdered: 500
- Daniel Suarez novels: 0.87
- Red Queen Hypotheses: 1.34
- Jetpack Joyride laser systems: 1
- People killed in a zombie movie before there are any zombies: 4
- Creepy laser children: 1
- Axe zombies: 1
- CGI standard: 1995
- Michelle Rodriguez badassery factor: over 9000 (IT RETURNS)
- Zombie films the characters have seen prior to the events of this film: apparently none
- Injuries sustained to Milla Jovovich’s bare legs during 67 minutes of zombie-fighting: 0
- Wall-running roundhouse kicks to dogs’ faces: 1 (what the fuck did I just watch?)
- T-virus demon tongue bitch-slaps: 1
- Killer paperweights: 1
- Suicides: almost 1
- Bunnies: 1
- Bunny suicides: sadly none
- Minutes shorter the film would have been if they’d just dynamited the Hive entrance and covered it in 30 feet of concrete: 99