Here is the DVD box art for this movie. It tells you everything you need to know—except, perhaps, why this ever made it to DVD.

Robo Vampire box art

By the Numbers

  • Vampires inevitably awoken by unprepared goons: 3
  • Vampires apparently being raised in a drug cartel’s basement: 4
  • Robot vampires: Actually none?
  • Robo Cops: 0.3
  • Robo Cops, in metres of tinfoil used by wardrobe department: 149
  • Vampires that can only move by hopping due to rigor mortis: all of them
  • Oh wait, also sweet ninja backflips: yep, all of them
  • Hopping vampires that are really just a dude in a gorilla mask: 1
  • Cigarettes to the crotch: 1
  • Garlic necklaces: 2
  • Fireworks used because the budget of this film didn’t stretch to real guns: 267
  • “Now that Tom is dead, I want to use his body to create an android-like robot.”: YEAH SURE DUDE WHATEVS
  • Crucifixes full of heroin: 1
  • High explosive rounds used against small wooden canoes: 1
  • Inevitable uses of Taoist Combat Toilet Paper: 2
  • Inevitable uses of Taoist Post-it Notes: 4
  • Inevitable uses of Taoist… boomerang umbrella?: 1
  • Times Robocop’s chin strap is on straight: 0
  • Times Robocop walks in on freaky gorilla vampire sex: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE EVEN WATCHING
  • Recovery time from having your eyes gouged out and falling into a brazier of boiling tar: 2 minutes 30 seconds

Overall: -27 / 5

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