Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Synopsis

A “TOTALLY UNEXPECTED” SHARKNADO ravages the EXACT STRETCH OF THE COUNTRY between where IAN ZIERING is and where TARA REID is. COINCIDENCE… OR CONSPIRACY?!

Anywhay, they team up with MAD MAXINE and THE HOFF and consume the UNHOLY POWER OF JEDWARD to battle SHARKS with INCREASINGLY ODD VARIANTS OF CHAINSAWS. This would have been enough for such traditional, mundane films as “Sharknado 2”.

So now of course there is also a SPACE SHUTTLE and SPACE JETPACKS and SPACE LASERS and LASER CHAINSAWS because APPARENTLY WE JUST ACCEPT THIS SHIT NOW.

By the Numbers

• Double-O Chainsaw: 2
• SEAGULLNADO: Sadly none
• Shark protesters: 30
• Checkov’s (functional, golden) chainsaws: 1
• Occurrences of Abraham Lincoln fondling a shark: WHAT
• Presidential portraits surfed on: 2
• Sharks dispatched by:
  • Chainsaw: 2
  • Sword: 1
  • Handgun: 10
  • Presidential Shotgun: 5
  • Presidential hand grenade: 1
  • Assault rifle: 20
  • Prediential marble bust: 1
  • Washington monument: I guess some
  • Iwo Jima recreation scene: OH GOD WHAT
• Hot Washington Monument on White House action: PRESENT. (Rule 34, no exceptions)

Alright, that’s the opening sequence done with. Now on to the film!

• Checkov’s Florida: 1
• Depth of personality: 0.2mm
• Michele Bachmann career level: -24
• Mad Maxes with shark-dissipating plasma chainguns: 1
• Shameless teenager bikini fanservice shots: 14
• Malcolms in the middle EATEN BY SHARKS!: 1
• George R R Martins EATEN BY SHARKS!: 1
• Ann Coulters EATEN BY SHARKS!: 1
• Subreddits name-dropped: 1
• Shotgun-machete: SHOTGUN-MACHETE
• Feast coast: FEAST COAST
• “‘Tis but a flesh wound!” / “Your arm’s off!” / “Alright, we’ll call it a draw.”: etc., etc.
• NASCAR races not significantly changed by presence of sharks: 1
• Space shuttles launched in suitable weather windows: 0
• News anchors dispatched by conveniently located sharks: 4
• Zero-G shark slicings: 23
• Sharks used as ablative armour for atmospheric re-entry: WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT
• Hasselhoffs jetpacked to the moon: Yeah, apparently.
• Laws of physics vs sharks: SHARKS WIN!
• Laws of cinematography vs sharks: SHARKS WIN!
• Sharks dispatched by… you know what, I cannot even.
• Shark chainsaw C-sections: TOO MANY, I.E. MORE THAN ZERO
• Alcohol in the world: NOT ENOUGH

YES I AM DRINKING WEIRD SPANISH MOONSHINE WHAT OF IT

Overall:

Still waiting for the porn version: SHARKNUDO.