Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens

Synopsis

Suddenly,

Inconceivable!

By the Numbers

• Grimly inevitable Star Wars scrolling text: 1
• Casually lasered space-sharks: 1
• Shark World hotels: 1 (what could possibly go wrong?)
• Alcoholic Uber-driving Carrot-Tops: 1
• Blonde glassholes: 2
• Sharks punched into the air by male strippers: 2
• Sharks pelvic thrusted into the air by male strippers: 1
• Jackpot (dollars): 0
• Jackpot (shark impalements): 1
• Cars conveniently located at the top of fairground attractions: 1
• Cars conveniently FLOWN BY OPENING THE CAR DOORS MID-FALL: fucking whatever I give up
• Shark tsunamis surfed on fake historical ships: 1
• Surely not-really-functional cannons used to shoot fireworks into sharknadoes: 1
• Sharks impaled on ship’s wheels: 3
• SHARKBERG, DEAD AHEAD: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE

And that’s the intro done! Moving on…

• Jetpacking Hasselhoffs: 1
• Somehow alive Jedward twins: 2
• “We have to blow up the Grand Canyon!”: 1
• Sharks punched on top of trains: 3
• Sharks beheaded on top of trains: 1
• Cyborg Tara Reid training montages: 1
• Lightsabers for arms: 1
• “Chainsaw store, perfect!”: THAT WAS CONVENIENT
• Flaming sharks despatched by digger-powered giant chainsaws: 4
• “It wouldn’t be Texas without a Chainsaw Massacre!”: Can I marry you please
• Fire-oil-sand-boulder-sharknadoes: Oh well
• Lightning-sand-boulder-sharknadoes: WHAT
• Ice-sharknadoes: WHAAAT
• Yellowstone Supervolcano…-Lightning-sand-boulder-sharknadoes: WHAAAAAAAAAT
• Nuclear-lightning-sharknadoes: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

• COWNADOES: LITERALLY. CANNOT. EVEN
  

• : 1
• Sharks killed by sensible landmarks: 12
• Sharks killed by : 4
• Wizard of Oz references: fucking continuous
• Kylo Ren stupid cross-guard lightsabers inevitably reproduced as chainsaws: sigh
• Minutes for which Gabrielle survives, despite being both a love interest and black: Astoundingly, 78
• Flaming sharks stuck up George Washington’s nose: 1
• “Come with me if you want to live.”: Yep, they went there
• Liberty Bells removed by high-speed nuclear sharks: 1
• Small children sensibly armed with miniature chainsaws: 1
• Hasselhoffs eaten by sharks: 1
• Hasselhotts eaten by RADIOACTIVE EXPLODING SHARKS: 2
• Pop-up Pirates: 1
• Cyborgs and people in poorly CGI’d power armour flying through the air blasting sharks as they reverse the flow of Niagara Falls to neutralise a glowing green Nuclear Sharknado: A SYFY ORIGINAL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
• Heroes hacked out of a shark out of a shark out of a shark out of a shark out of a whale by a small child sensibly armed with a miniature chainsaw: Yep, that happened
• : That too

Overall: / 5