There hasn't been a Sharknado for five years!


A Sharknado!


By the Numbers

  • Grimly inevitable Star Wars scrolling text: 1
  • Casually lasered space-sharks: 1
  • Shark World hotels: 1 (what could possibly go wrong?)
  • Alcoholic Uber-driving Carrot-Tops: 1
  • Blonde glassholes: 2
  • Sharks punched into the air by male strippers: 2
  • Sharks pelvic thrusted into the air by male strippers: 1
  • Jackpot (dollars): 0
  • Jackpot (shark impalements): 1
  • Cars conveniently located at the top of fairground attractions: 1
  • Cars conveniently FLOWN BY OPENING THE CAR DOORS MID-FALL: fucking whatever I give up
  • Shark tsunamis surfed on fake historical ships: 1
  • Surely not-really-functional cannons used to shoot fireworks into sharknadoes: 1
  • Sharks impaled on ship’s wheels: 3

And that’s the intro done! Moving on…

  • Jetpacking Hasselhoffs: 1
  • Somehow alive Jedward twins: 2
  • “We have to blow up the Grand Canyon!”: 1
  • Sharks punched on top of trains: 3
  • Sharks beheaded on top of trains: 1
  • Cyborg Tara Reid training montages: 1
  • Lightsabers for arms: 1
  • “Chainsaw store, perfect!”: THAT WAS CONVENIENT
  • Flaming sharks despatched by digger-powered giant chainsaws: 4
  • “It wouldn’t be Texas without a Chainsaw Massacre!”: Can I marry you please
  • Fire-oil-sand-boulder-sharknadoes: Oh well
  • Lightning-sand-boulder-sharknadoes: WHAT
  • Ice-sharknadoes: WHAAAT
  • Yellowstone Supervolcano…-Lightning-sand-boulder-sharknadoes: WHAAAAAAAAAT
  • Nuclear-lightning-sharknadoes: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
    Literally cannot even

  • I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more!: 1
  • Sharks killed by sensible landmarks: 12
  • Sharks killed by World's Largest Ball of Twine (Sam and Max): 4
  • Wizard of Oz references: fucking continuous
  • Kylo Ren stupid cross-guard lightsabers inevitably reproduced as chainsaws: sigh
  • Minutes for which Gabrielle survives, despite being both a love interest and black: Astoundingly, 78
  • Flaming sharks stuck up George Washington’s nose: 1
  • “Come with me if you want to live.”: Yep, they went there
  • Liberty Bells removed by high-speed nuclear sharks: 1
  • Small children sensibly armed with miniature chainsaws: 1
  • Hasselhoffs eaten by sharks: 1
  • Hasselhotts eaten by RADIOACTIVE EXPLODING SHARKS: 2
  • Pop-up Pirates: 1
  • Cyborgs and people in poorly CGI’d power armour flying through the air blasting sharks as they reverse the flow of Niagara Falls to neutralise a glowing green Nuclear Sharknado: A SYFY ORIGINAL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
  • Heroes hacked out of a shark out of a shark out of a shark out of a shark out of a whale by a small child sensibly armed with a miniature chainsaw: Yep, that happened
  • Shark defibrilator: That too

Overall: Male stripper pelvic thrusting a shark / 5