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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Skyline

Synopsis

FIVE PEOPLE’S MONUMENTAL HANGOVER is rudely interrupted by MYSTERIOUS ALIEN LIGHTS which trash half of LOS ANGELES and steal THE POPULATION.

Frankly, an improvement.

By the Numbers

  • Matrixy squid things: 3
  • Sharknadoes: 0
  • Humannadoes: 7
  • Lichtenberg figure tattoos: 4
  • Units of alcohol consumed, characters: 38
  • Units of alcohol consumed, review team: 7
  • Locks shot open in an action movie: Somehow, 0
  • Candace: Bu-bu-bu-bu-but
  • Phineases and Ferbs: 0
  • Air Force commanders who have a passing familiarity with Independence Day: 0
  • Implausibly maneuverable stealth bombers: 5
  • Nuclear explosions survived by hiding behind the sofa: 1
  • Axe-induced brain impalements: 1
  • Breezeblock beatings: 17
  • Fighter jet beheadings: WHAT
  • B-Movie factor: over 9000
  • YAY, SKULLFUCKING
  • Ferraris eaten by Jurassic Park aliens: 1
  • Nissan Skylines, eaten or otherwise: 0
  • Anything even remotely skyline-related: Nope
  • Brains eaten by evil tentacle aliens: Ya Ry’leh
  • “Something is happening!”: No fucking shit, really?!
  • “It just doesn’t seem real.”: It’s not, it’s a movie!
  • Ending: Haha nope, buy the sequel and maybe you’ll find out!

Overall: 3 / 5

All Glory to the Hypnosquid

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