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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Star Trek: First Contact

A guest review by Ian‭ “‬Devo‭” ‬Montgomery

Synopsis

Timelines collide…‭ ‬sort of.‭ ‬Captain Picard and his crew take their brand spanking new Enterprise on a mission back in time to stop their greatest enemies‭ — ‬the Swedes‭ — ‬from ruining Gene Roddenberry’s idyllic future.

By the Numbers

  • Opening pull-out,‭ ‬in seconds‭: ‬165
  • Creepy head lasers‭: ‬10
  • Unnecessary surgeries‭: ‬8
  • Nightmares within nightmares‭ (‬omg meta‭!):‭ ‬1
  • Number of Starfleet ships engulfed by Borg cube explosion‭: ‬2
  • Picard schizophrenic moments‭: ‬5
  • Population of Earth‭: ‬9‭ ‬billion…‭ ‬all Borg‭ (‬gasp‭!)
  • Heavily inebriated saviours of humanity‭: ‬1
  • Gunpoint greetings‭: ‬4
  • Data’s keystrokes per second‭: ‬14
  • Knocks it takes to break down an inset mechanical door‭: ‬18
  • Mercy killings‭: ‬3
  • Faster-than-light rocket dildoes‭: ‬1
  • Sweaty cyborg-alien temptresses‭:‭ ‬…What now‭!?
  • Tommy-gun shoot-outs in space‭: ‬FUCK YES‭!
  • Epic space-walks‭: ‬1
  • Android on sweaty cyborg-alien make-out sessions‭: ‬MY EYES‭! ‬THEY BURN‭!!!
  • Zero-g amputations‭: ‬1
  • Little ships broken‭: ‬3
  • Ceiling snakes‭: ‬3
  • Cyborg zombie skeletons‭ ‬-‭ ‬6

Overall: 5 / 5

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