Synopsis

ADAM SANDLER…  ADAM SANDLER…
Tͫ͋͋ͨͭo̝̞̘̿̑ͤ͒̀̚̚ ͚̤̮̮̇ͬͯ͜i̞̎n̮̝ͫ̏v̯̤̬̦̭̪̻͜ö̻̣͖́ͅǩͪ͋͑ͤͭe͕̰͋ ̱̺͇̟̗̮͂̂ͨ͐̔ẗ̼̙̞̮́̑ͯhͥͩ̅ͣeͧͩ̃ ̡̻̜̮̘ͦh̥̱͉̼͆̎͐͊i͚̺̲̝̖̰͗͛͑̌ͨ̀v̗̯̞̩͆̈͛̕ͅe͙̩̭͂͘-͔̪̩̅ͯ̍̈́ͩͥ̚m̫̜̱̳͋i͓̳̓ṅ̛̅d̮̪̘̓ͪͣ̚ ̙͖͎͇͛̈́ͮͅͅr̴͇̳͈ę͍̤̼̰̣p̜̖͓̞ͪͪ̈́̅ͅř̠̘͖͈̼͋̉e̲̰̥̹̯̯̻͛̏ͤ͒̂͗ͣs̻͍̥̳̅̐̃ͮ̇̋́ͅē̮͙̿͒̓ṅ̢̤͇̌ͩt̬̖͉i̲͙̭̝ͦ̂̇̒̓̃ͅn͛ͅğ̟̙̩̉̉ ͇̹̹̓̔ͨͯͮ̀ͥc̤͔̬̮̱̋͡h̪͓̰̰̤ͯ͊̐̽a̛͖̓̉ͭo͠s͔͓.̋ͧͩ҉͓̤̙̠̲
̪̅̂̿̈́́̐͢ͅI͉̟̬͎̟͗̐̀̏ͭ̄̚ñ̞̻̫͋͗ͣͅv̿̋̐ͪ́̚͏͚̭̩̼͔̳o͍̪͔ͮ́̾̊k̞̘͆ͫͤͪ͒i͖̰̹̐ṋ̭̯͔̳̍̽̀g͚͕̦̱̼̣͌̑ͨͫ̉̆̚͡ ̤̰͈̪͍͇̒ͯ̊ͭ̂͒ţh̢̘͉̖̳̠̹̲̀̐̀͌ͯe ̱̱̠̔͆̄ͪ͜ͅf̷̳̥͖͉̓ͪ̿̅ͬ̔ͨe̹͔ͭ̔͛͒̈̅ͩe͓̤͇͛͛l̯̰͐ͬī̢̹̥̽n̜̼̈́̒͑̓͌͞gͧ̈̈́͗ͭ ̸̗͙͈̱̙̭̒̋̉̓ͧ̍ͨǭ͙͈fͩ̉͌ ̨̦̤̔ͮ̍̿̇ͮ̎c͎͔̻̤͓̏͠ͅh̬̳̘͈̩̓͢a͙͍̭̭̟̣ͪͅŏ͓̝̓̓̆sͧͮͧ̓̒͜.̩̹͙̌͆͋́̚̚
͓͍̠̺̯͊͑͂͝W̗̭̟̻̘͍̓͐͋ͭi̲̭̯̍ͯ̚͞t̜̝̜͌̿̀̾̆̄̎͡h̥̺͇̜̯ͤ̾̅͟ ͔͐͛͋ͯͯo̪͔̟̹̒ͧ̚u̿ͮ̆t̠̝ ͒ͫͪͯ͆ͫ̍ǫ͙͚̜̹͈̗̿̓ͨr̋̓̅ͭ̍̒̚͝d͚͔͎͓̱̔ͧͬ̈́̃̇ͅḛ̭͕̬͖̟ͧ̒ͯ̾̾r̛̻͙̰̖͖̆̾̿.̘̮̲̞͑
̼̮͇̥͍̓ͣ̊́͡T͚̾ͫ͆̎h͉̯͚̤̓̆̋̍̒͆e̞͍͍̬̪̖̹ͧ́ͪ̽ ̦͖̤̻̺ͤ͑̑̽N̲̤e̢̻̖̬͐͛̌͌ͯz͒͑ͫ̐ͬ͗̋҉̞̹̗ͅp̅̈́̈́́̚e̹̞̫̜̭͑̔̓͌̑̓̍r͉̖̖̹̉͜d̫̓i̞̥̠̤a̫͙͚ͮͭ͋͝ṋ̢̝̥̮̩ͨ͆͗ ͉̪͋ͮͯ̓́hͯͨ̏i̧͙̠͑͂ͯͭͦ̈́ͨv̶̞͖̘e̖̭͕̳̊ͭ-̭̩̼̆ͯͥ̑m̗͖̬̒̽̈́ͭ̚i̻̒̾ͦ͊ͤ͌n͕̤̜̦͙̞̪̅̄ͬͥ͟d̸̙̐ ̢o͇͕͍͎̰ͩf̢̫͖̍ ̅́c̛͙̆͊ẖ͖͆̑̏̆͊̈̍a̰̻͑̅̂o͎̱͇̻̬ͭ̚͡s͍͐͂ͭ́ͩ.͎͛̃̉͞ ̭͔͔͆͌̐ͤ̽̀̈́͡A̱̝̬̤͓͈̠d̩̜̙͕͌͌ä̫̯͎̩̱̟m̸̮̪̮̈̄͋͌ͅ ̀̓̎̏̚͏̥͔S͔̋̉͂͑͛͌̄ả͋̊ńd̨͕̺͓̥̳͚̝l̞̰͈̠͆͠ͅẽ͕̪͓̺̜̟͋̆̔͌͆ͯ͝r͉͓̰͇͖̪̭̾͐ͫ̕.̥̱̗͓͑̍̅̉ͮ͛͢ ̖͐̈́
̬̰̠̯̭̃̉ͫ̍̉̍ͫH͚̀ͬͮ̅͡e̩̞̼̰̻͚̐̂ͦͬͯ͐ͮ͢ ̝̬͂ͫ̏w̲̲̞h̨̰̖̹̟͔ͩͫ͐̍o͌ͫͯ̈͛́͌͏ ̣̦̖̝͍ͭ͛́ͣW̵̹͕͙̬͒̈a̘ͨ̊̀ͨ̈ͦì̪͔ẗ̓ͬ͂̇͏̟̠s͉̥͕̜ͣ͛ ̯ͧ̈ͪ͗B͡e̥̖̮̗̳̞̎h̗̪̯̲̥̉̂̀͛̚͢ï҉̻̹̱̹n̛̲̩̗͛̐̀d͙̿ͣ̈́͌̇ ̂ͦͧ͆T̘̭̱͟h̭̺̔̿ͭ̔é̪ͩ̓ ̼͙͖̼͂ͫW̵͈̟̩͇̟̦͓̾̄ͧͮ͗a̫̩̖̳͖̱̘̍͊ͩļ̩̺͓͉̱l̴̥͈̖̭͓̬̳̊ͨͯ̐̓̅̚.̡̮ͯ̒̽ͨ
̦̠̾ͯ̆̌͐̌̚Ä̫̹́̇̔D̊̿ͨ͡A̛̼̩͕̩̳ͩ̓M̨̬̞̓ͅ ̶͍͚͖̰̬̰ͦS̸̐̔ͥA̠̞̎̅̄̊́ͩ͝N͗͛ͪḌ̰̦̠̩̂͒̎̒L̝̿̍ͯȨ̜͍̦͖̩̼͈̑̐͊͂ͧR̬̜̜ͨͣ̈́̋!҉͔͖̦͓̫̪

…wait, it wasn’t actually that bad?!  What the flying beebles?

By the Numbers

  • Casual racism factor: significant
  • Inevitable “Americans can’t do the rolling R sound” scenes: 1
  • Characters in this movie more irritating than Adam Sandler’s: Somehow, 1
  • Characters in this movie more of a dick than Adam Sandler’s: Somehow, also 1
  • Minutes of Adam Sandler sex scene I wish I hadn’t seen: 4
  • Eric’s embarrassment level: infinite
  • Time taken to learn passable English from scratch: < 1 month (where do I get some of those DVDs?)
  • High-speed car chases: 0
  • High-speed jogger chases: 1
  • THAT FLOOR… IT’S GOING TO EAT US ALIVE: 1
  • Extent to which Cristina should have put up with her mother’s shit: 0
  • Minutes shorter this movie could easily have been: 60
  • My disappointment that the Spanish audio track on the DVD didn’t seem to work: over 9000
  • Chance that the audio track didn’t work because listening to it would be the linguistic equivalent of dividing by zero: 97%

Overall: 3 / 5