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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Star Trek: Into Darkness

Synopsis

SPACE SHERLOCK HOLMES arrives to BLOW SHIT UP and play SPACE HIDE-AND-SEEK with STARFLEET and KLINGONS and VULCANS and SLEEPY POPSICLES (oh my).

Then CAPTAIN KIRK and his CREW show up to stop him though the power of DUMB LUCK, SUICIDAL BRAVERY and DRAMATICALLY FAILING TO FOLLOW EVERY SINGLE ORDER THEY ARE EVER GIVEN.

By the Numbers

  • Times the Prime Directive is broken: 1
  • Powerful antacids: 1
  • Straws: plenty
  • Soylent Green torpedoes: 72
  • Acts of treason: 3
  • Slippy slides: 3
  • Troubles with tribbles: 0
  • Warp cores restarted by percussive maintenance: 1
  • Deaths by radiation poisoning: somehow, 0
  • Solar freakin’ roadways: oh, not again
  • Smash Bros Brawls: 1
  • Combat eyebrows: 2
  • Treks into Darkness: 0
  • Brain-mangling earwigs: 0
  • KHHHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN: 1.2

Overall: 4 / 5

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