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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

The Brothers Grimm

Synopsis

FAMOUS BULLSHITTERS the BROTHERS GRIMM bullshit their way from town to town, until they discover a RARE CASE OF NON-BULLSHIT. They then proceed to SUCK for about an hour, until there’s an ECLIPSE and the HEROES have to smash a MIRROR and flee a DISINTEGRATING TOWER and kiss the PRINCESS and… jeez, have these guys never played an RPG before? This should have been so much more obvious to them.

…What?

Also: IT’S NOT BEANS. TRUST THE TOAD.

By the Numbers

  • Magic beans: 5
  • Times Heath Ledger is accused of buggery: 1
  • Heath Ledger / Matt Damon Slash Factor: over 9000
  • Uses of the Random Accent Generator: 127
  • Scenes in which no filters are used: 0
  • Epic shoulderpads: 2
  • Cardboard and tin-foil shields: 2
  • Lunar Exalts with the “Summoning the Loyal Steel” charm: 1
  • Angelica’s sisters: 2
  • Angelica’s sisters credited: 4
  • Spiderhorse: 1
  • Spiderhorse: 1
  • Things that a Spider can do that Spiderhorse does: 2
  • Kittens blended: Somehow, 1
  • Kitten entrails eaten: Somehow, 1
  • Quiches that would have been preferred: 1
  • Terry Gilliam: Yes

Overall: 4 / 5

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