Synopsis

By the Numbers

• Seconds into the film before it becomes EXTREMELY FUCKING OBNOXIOUS: Minus 10. Yep even the fucking company logo is obnoxious
• “You’re probably not even paying attention right now.”: WE’RE FUCKING TRYING MATE
• Distressing Australian prawn cocktails: 1
• “OW, MY COLON”: yes
• Gavin and Stacey: 0.5
• Pizza boobs stolen: 2
• Times an emoji sits on someone’s face: 1
• Thoroughly tiresome poop jokes: 7
• 🍆: yep
• Viruses hypnotised by cute kitten videos: 3
• PPAP level: 2017
• Great films featuring videogame dance-offs: still zero
• “Everyone do the Emoji Pop!”: HEEEEEELLLLLLLLL NNNNOOOOOO
• “Hi-5 is in the trash?”: SO IS THIS WHOLE MOVIE LOLOLOLOL
• “Nobody knows… the touchscreens I’ve seen…”: OH FUUUUCK OOOFFFFFFF
• Kittens digitally murdered: 1
• Phones bricked by unplugging the cable mid system restore: somehow, none
• Depth Patrick Stewart’s career has now sunk to: MINUS NINE THOUSAND

Overall: MEHHHH

👉🎬💩