By the Numbers

  • Seconds into the film before it becomes EXTREMELY FUCKING OBNOXIOUS: Minus 10. Yep even the fucking company logo is obnoxious
  • “You’re probably not even paying attention right now.”: WE’RE FUCKING TRYING MATE
  • Distressing Australian prawn cocktails: 1
  • “OW, MY COLON”: yes
  • Gavin and Stacey: 0.5
  • Pizza boobs stolen: 2
  • Times an emoji sits on someone’s face: 1
  • Thoroughly tiresome poop jokes: 7
  • 🍆: yep
  • Viruses hypnotised by cute kitten videos: 3
  • PPAP level: 2017
  • Great films featuring videogame dance-offs: still zero
  • “Everyone do the Emoji Pop!”: HEEEEEELLLLLLLLL NNNNOOOOOO
  • “Hi-5 is in the trash?”: SO IS THIS WHOLE MOVIE LOLOLOLOL
  • “Nobody knows… the touchscreens I’ve seen…”: OH FUUUUCK OOOFFFFFFF
  • Kittens digitally murdered: 1
  • Phones bricked by unplugging the cable mid system restore: somehow, none
  • Depth Patrick Stewart’s career has now sunk to: MINUS NINE THOUSAND

Overall: MEHHHH