Synopsis

SYLVESTER STALLONE, JASON STATHAM, JET LI, DOLPH LUNDGREN, STEVE AUSTIN, MICKEY ROURKE, BRUCE WILLIS and ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER join forces to fill my TELEVISION with ALL THE TESTOSTERONE IN THE WORLD.

By the Numbers

• Laser CGI budget, dollars: 1.50
• Torsos atomised: 1
• Scimitars polished (wahey!): 1
• Little fucking dog treats: 23
• Wildlife conservancies: 0
• Low-altitude kerosene and flare gun skywriting sessions: 1
• Balls punctured: 1 / 3
• Bullets fired: I’m not even sure why I bother
• Auto-shotgun demolitions: 1
• Opportunities for marshmallow roasting: 327
• Decidedly warm Steve Austins: 1
• Artillery shells shot: 1
• Chekov’s vests: 1
• Pasts angsted about: 7
• Women angsted about: 4
• Brutal slaughters angsted about: hell no

Overall: 4 / 5

Dolph Lundgren walks into a bar.
Ouch.