Synopsis

SOME BAD GUYS plot to steal A LOT OF SILVER. Luckily, THE LONE RANGER and JOHNNY DEPP WITH A BIRD ON HIS HEAD are here to save the day with YET ANOTHER TIM BURTON MOVIE!

By the Numbers

• Trade price of 1 dead mouse: 12 peanuts
• Inevitable Helena Bonham-Carters: 1
• Ineffectual daytime camera flashes: 3
• Times when being in manacles turns out to be surprisingly handy for combat stunts: 5
• Foreboding horses: 1
• B-list actors dragged through steaming horseshit: 1
• NASTY POINTY TEETH: 9 bunnies’ worth
• Gun-legs: GUN-LEGS
• Birdcage on head: WHAT AM I EVEN WATCHING
• Needles pissed on: 1
• Action heroes outrunning explosions: Inevitably, 2
• FINISH HIM!: nope
• Minutes into film that the actual Lone Ranger film begins: 125

Aaaaaaand… here we go.

• Horses ridden on trains: 1
• Horses ridden through trains: 1
• Wenches thrown from trains: 1
• Pistols fired wildly into the air: 2
• Pistol vs catapult fights: 1
• Ladders used for train boarding maneuvers: 1
• Train roof punch-ups: 1
• Improbably lassoing action: 2
• Instances of hot train-on-train action: 2
• Train roof make-outs: 1
• Bad guys disarmed with silver bullets: 1
• Explosively demolished train bridges: 1
• Trains plunging into gorges: 1
• Heroes saved just in time: 1
• Sustained playing of the William Tell Overture, minutes: 19
• “Hi-ya, Silver!”: 1

And I think we’re done here.

Overall: 3 / 5