A guest reviewby Ian “Devo” Montgomery

Synopsis

The year is 1984 and everything is RADICAL! Then some gun-toting CYBORG ASSASSIN FROM THE FUTURE comes along to ABORT Linda Hamilton’s unborn baby which she DOESN’T KNOW SHE HAS… because she DOESN’T HAVE IT! Yet.

By the Numbers

• Johnny Five’s big brothers: 2
• Time-travelling exhibitionists: 2
• Nice nights for a walk: 1
• Nice nights to get brutally murdered: 3
• Stomach fistings: 1
• “FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE”: 2
• Sarah Connors: 3
• Uzi: 9mm
• Trucks run over by cars: 1
• Bullets wasted on woman who was already killed by a headshot: 5
• Flashbacks induced by watching construction sites: 1
• 80s chicks: Oh my, yes!
• Runaway iguanas: 1
• Radical 80s techno music: RADICAL
• Meatshields: 1
• Arterial jiggery-pokery: DO NOT WANT
• Eyes sliced: On wholemeal or white?
• “I’LL BE BACK”: In 20 seconds
• Cops massacred by one man (robot): 14
• Post-apocalyptic bedtime stories: 1
• What’s on TV tonight, mummy?: FIRE
• Tasty rats: 1
• Future-securing fucks: 1
• German Shepherds: 4
• Pipe bombs: 7
• Pipe bombs used effectively: 2
• Robo-skeletons rising out of the fiery bowels of Hell: 1

Overall: 5 / 5