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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Twilight – Breaking Dawn part 1

Synopsis

POUTY McANGSTFACE finally gives in and marries her CREEPY EMO STALKER.  Then they FUCK and ANGST ABOUT IT.  Then she is PREGNANT, and they ANGST ABOUT IT.  Then there are WEREWOLVES, who ANGST ABOUT IT.  Then BELLA DIES, and…

BELLA’s SECRET VAMPIRE POWER is the ability to DIAL SOMEONE with a SINGLE SWIPE from the HTC SENSE LOCKSCREEN.

By the Numbers

  • Seconds between movie starting and Chesty Jake getting Chesty: 12
  • Genuinely happy people at wedding: 0
  • Wedding vow montages: 1
  • 117-year-old virgins: somehow, 1
  • Worrying sentences uttered by wife (mine, not Edward’s): 3
  • KILLER BABIES: 1
  • Yahoo! image searches: 3
  • Human blood, in millilitres per soda cup: 300
  • Jarring chords to Caesarian Sections ratio: 74
  • Were-Pedobears: 1
  • Minutes of angsty tedium: 117
  • Minutes of inexplicable mid-credits campy vampire horror: 2
  • Acting, in picoShawshanks: 0.45
  • Laphroaig, in years matured: 10

Overall: herp / derp

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