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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Twilight

Synopsis

The LIVING DEAD walk the earth, and are really fucking EMO. They also have the following discipline dots: CELERITY 3, POTENCE 3, AUSPEX 4, DOMINATE 2, PRESENCE 1. Which makes them all pretty nails, and they have no disadvantages at all whatsoever except a fondness for MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. Naturally, one falls in love with a MARY-SUE called BELLA, who is then subjected to COOL SHIT but decides to ANGST about it.

By the Numbers

  • “So it’s gonna turn out that that guy’s a vampire too, right?” moments: 3
  • Alice’s Relevance to my Interests: 10
  • Self-confidence of main characters: -24
  • Interesting plot twists: -1
  • MST Potential: 458
  • Units of Alcohol Required to Fully Appreciate Movie: 7
  • How Awesome it Would be if Someone Replaced the Sabbat Guys by Prinnies Just so they Could Say “We Challenge You to a Game of Baseball, Dood”: over 9000
  • Movies that are Worse than Twilight: 57
  • Movies that star Adam Sandler or Jim Carrey: 57
  • THIS… IS THE SKIN… OF A KILLER.: 1

Overall: -1/5

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