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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

Watchmen

Synopsis

SOME GUY dies. A DUDE WITH A HAT tries to find out why. There is a GIANT BLUE GUY with a GIANT BLUE DONG. Lots of people get beaten up. There are AMERICANS and RUSSIANS and lots of NUKES, and lots of people die, but not beacuse of the NUKES. Comic fans are VAGUELY APPEASED, and it could have been A LOT WORSE, ALL THINGS CONSIDERED.

By the Numbers

  • Rorshach coolness: 10
  • Silk Spectre hotness: 9
  • Night Owl dorkiness: 9
  • Occurrences of Doctor Manhattan’s giant blue dong: 7
  • Brutal killings: 37
  • Directories entitled “boys” on Ozymandias’ computer: 1
  • Squid: 0
  • Soppy romantic ending rage-induction: over 9000
  • Notably absent pages of dead and dying citizens of New York: 12
  • Gayest-looking superhero mode of transport in any comic: 1

Overall: 5/5

One reply on “Watchmen”

What’s this?
I’m a bit late to comment…but no mention of one of the most cringeworthy sex scenes I’ve seen in mainstream cinema?

I mean, there are some pretty bad ones, but a painfully dragged out closeup of suited-up Night Owl’s sweaty arse gyrating slowly to Hallelujah (previously a beloved song of mine) was harrowing, to say the least.

And that’s skimming over Malin Akerman’s hilarious expressions of what I can only assume to be silent screams of abject horror.

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