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Film Reviews (by the Numbers)

UFO

Synopsis

In the EARLY 21ST CENTURY, SOMETHING TERRIBLE happens to PLUNGE the HUMAN RACE into TURMOIL.

PIERCE BROSNAN and JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME commissioned a TERRIBLE WASTE OF CELLULOID to showcase their CHILDREN’S NON-EXISTENT ACTING TALENTS.

By the Numbers

  • Foxes: 3
  • People who are firm for entry: 4
  • Seconds to gratuitous wet cleavage shot: 78
  • Seconds to gratuitous dubstep: 94
  • Actors in this film who have real actual names: 1
  • Jean Claude Van Dammes in this film: Somehow, 1
  • People who like cheese: 2
  • People who can have their mum’s ring: 1
  • Gash: 10 out of 10
  • Acting: 0 out of 10
  • Sex-offs: WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN
  • Mid sex-off vomiting scenes: 6
  • Shameless War of the Worlds rip-offs: 1
  • Incidences of Queensbury Rules: 0
  • Characters who are immune to punches: ‘SUP MOVIE INDUSTRY
  • Tentacle alien cleavage scans: 3
  • Father/daughter punch-up bonding sessions: 1
  • Seconds of inappropriate cheesy alien-murder pop: 34
  • 24: 36
  • Endings: HAHA NOPE, not this one either
  • BEWARE THE YELLOW SIGN PURPLE MARK

Overall:

Shit.

“Sounds unbearable!”
“It is!”

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