Synopsis

In the EARLY 21ST CENTURY, SOMETHING TERRIBLE happens to PLUNGE the HUMAN RACE into TURMOIL.

PIERCE BROSNAN and JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME commissioned a TERRIBLE WASTE OF CELLULOID to showcase their CHILDREN’S NON-EXISTENT ACTING TALENTS.

By the Numbers

• Foxes: 3
• People who are firm for entry: 4
• Seconds to gratuitous wet cleavage shot: 78
• Seconds to gratuitous dubstep: 94
• Actors in this film who have real actual names: 1
• Jean Claude Van Dammes in this film: Somehow, 1
• People who like cheese: 2
• People who can have their mum’s ring: 1
• Gash: 10 out of 10
• Acting: 0 out of 10
• Sex-offs: WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN
• Mid sex-off vomiting scenes: 6
• Shameless War of the Worlds rip-offs: 1
• Incidences of Queensbury Rules: 0
• Characters who are immune to punches: ‘SUP MOVIE INDUSTRY
• Tentacle alien cleavage scans: 3
• Father/daughter punch-up bonding sessions: 1
• Seconds of inappropriate cheesy alien-murder pop: 34
• 24: 36
• Endings: HAHA NOPE, not this one either
• BEWARE THE YELLOW SIGN PURPLE MARK

Overall:

“Sounds unbearable!”
“It is!”