Blog Archive — Page 55

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  • Gah! Damn Humans

    It would be a lie if I were to say that I was in control. I guess, really, I never have been. Not three years ago, not a year ago, and not now either. I’ve finally realised what I’ve been mising over these past two weeks, a major factor in the confusion that abounds. My emotional control. I don’t have any.

    There are certain things I’m not allowed to do, and yet I’m not sure I have the control to stop myself. And I shouldn’t find human interaction irritating, so why do I? I shouldn’t find perfectly normal comments from my friends offensive, so why do they upset me? I shouldn’t complain about other people acting completely normally and I have no reason to complain, but why do I feel like I should be allowed to?

    I tried to go out tonight to forget my worries, to listen to music and dance and let the melody carry my emotions away. It didn’t work, it made them worse.

    I’m not sure how much longer I can hold on like this. It’s the end of the fifteenth day, now, since the world went crazy. There’s a horrible temptation to run away, but that would mean becoming a potential self that I intensely hate. So what can I do? Hold on, I guess, hope things get better. But will they? What’ll happen if they don’t, if the future continues just like this?

    I get broken just about every day now, so much so that I’m on the verge of getting used to it. But each time, the call of a part of myself that I don’t show to the world gets stronger and stronger. Thoughts stir in my head, thoughts like “I hate humans” and “I’ll take the world apart piece by piece and put it back together the way I want it to be”.

    I can’t let thoughts like that take over. I have to stay sane…

  • Resolutions, Separations, Reawakenings and Complications

    And so the confusion carries on. Barely a few hours after my Monday afternoon crash, yet another situation reared its head and has begun to be dealt with. I didn’t get to sleep until 6am that night, and didn’t wake up until 3pm the following day, missing all my lectures once more. Once more that night my room entertained a guest, or maybe more than one… After all, I did say he could visit, and that applies to both the human and the other. And I got to see the blossoming of a Mage Ego, those things that I bemoan so much… =p

    Still, while those events have put my brain once more through the mangle, things are looking up. In theory, life is going fine and well… Although an extra complication has appeared which makes my heart feel awkward. Also, long-distance relationships hurt. And the idea that people might be upset hurts, and the idea that people might be bored hurts, too.

    So, it’s been two weeks now, since the first wave of detachment, the first of the future echoes washed over me. Is it over now, at last? No, not quite. Today, for a while, I was still shaking. But certain issues are working their way towards their conclusions. And that’s at least the beginning of the end…

    For now.

  • Crashing

    This weekend has… No, this past week and a half has been… intense. I’ve done new things and had new emotions and there have been hearts broken and healed and slipping deeper into deliria. The world has broken and reformed over and over again, reconfiguring itself to flood our world with emotion and feeling, for better or for worse. There are still troubles - there always were and will always be; and there are still joys - there always were and will always be.

    There’s Glamour in the air, glittering off everyone and everything. And I’m just going with the flow, going with the Story. What’s happening is so out of my depth that I’m not trying to push back.

    It’s… draining, too. I don’t know why it’s draining to not impose on the world… But right now, I’m just going to see where life takes me. It’s all that I can do…

  • It's not over

    Pieces of paper, roughly cut from an all but worthless book, spiral to the floor as the force of the knife ejects them from what once was their home.

    Each of us has an inner struggle, and the time has come to release some pressure, it seems. Not that this is completely to do with me. Maybe I’m the cause of some of it, but I’m not the whole of it. Either way, others’ emotions rub off on me. And deep inside me, a personality I dislike stirs, and I shake.

    A personality that fiction demanded that I name. Perhaps I shouldn’t have done so - after all, names give things power…

    It’s not over yet. It’s not over…

    Why did I think that it would be? When will it be?

  • Luck of the Roll

    I love dice-luck sometimes. I’ve barely ever had a good roll in Zane’s game, and now tonight… I roll seven 10-sided dice.

    The results: 6, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10.

    You know what they say about million-to-one chances, right?

    I guess it would be nice sometimes to believe in something like Karma. It’s a nice story, at least…

    Also today: Loneliness, hard work, Shaolin vs Lama, sparring and energy bolts.

  • Simplicity and Colour

    Today, I talked about some things with people, and realised some things that I should have realised all along. Life isn’t confusing anymore, it’s not messed up and I’m sane again. The world is simple now; it makes sense.

    Walking home today, I breathed deeply in the rain-tinged evening air and my entire body filled with life and energy. It felt like I was seeing in colour for the first time in forever, like I trailed coloured streamers as I walked.

    There’s no longer any indecision, there’s no longer any pain. I’m free to go forward with life, to experience the new things being thrown my way with happiness in my heart. And, I think, I can go forward at my own pace, or something only a little faster.

    Thank you, everyone who helped. I’m happy again now.

  • Feelings, fleeting...

    My life fell apart. Again. Worse this time.

    I thought that at last, even though I was still unsure what was happening, there were some things I understood about the way my life was heading. Turns out, of course, I didn’t understand anything. And I still don’t.

    But it’s okay, I can start my life again from tomorrow.

    You know, I said something quite similar to that only twenty-four hours ago…

    “Well I know, I miss more than hit
    With a face that was launched to sink

    An’ I seldom feel, the bright relief

    It’s been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
    If there’s one thing I have said
    Is that the dreams I once had, now lay in bed

    As the four winds blow, my wits through the door

    It’s been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
    Fallin’ down to you sweet ground
    Where the flowers they bloom
    It’s there I’ll be found
    Hurry back to me, my wild calling

    It’s been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
    Though these wounds have seen no wars
    Except for the scars I have ignored
    And this endless crutch, well it’s never enough

    It’s been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
    Hell says hello, well it’s time to I should go

    To pastures green, that I’ve yet to see
    Hurry back to me, my wild calling
    It’s been the Worst Day Since Yesterday”
    ~ Flogging Molly - The Worst Day Since Yesterday

  • Well, that was... an... interesting... weekend...

    To think, at noon on Friday I was just sitting down to a Crystalline Solids lecture, confident that my work was going well and that there’d be a fun afternoon ahead.

    Then, it all went WEIRD. In many, many ways.

    That Loki has a lot to answer for. But mostly, I have my time too filled with dealing with the results to bother about asking questions. And, although stil a little confused and feeling out of my depth… I’m happy.

  • Today's Conclusion

    And now, if I may, I will sleep. Given the circumstances it would be somewhat shallow of me to wish to bestow “sweet” dreams upon us all, so I’ll make do with “appropriate” ones instead.

    Although “Night night, appropriate dreams” doesn’t have much of a ring to it.

  • Ups and Downs

    Today went mostly from okay to cool to awesome to ARGH MY BRAIN HURTS.

    This morning I went to lectures, and helped Racheet get a newly-acquired computer home from Highfield. That was okay.

    Then we spent most of the afternoon fiddling with said computer, geek shopping and eating lots of snack food. That was cool.

    Then we went wandering across the Common to see what we could find, which wasn’t much. But regardless, that was awesome.

    Then there was alcohol and bilberry pie and Have I Got News For You and SITUATION C IS BREAKING MY MIND and I don’t think I can do anything about it which hurts even more and means postponing resolution of Situation A and means my social life just got a whole lot more messed up and when it comes down to it I’m still not sure what on Earth is going on this weekend and from the looks of it tonight will end up being an all-nighter just so we can prove that friends are good things to have.

    That was a really long sentence. Sorry.