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I wonder how long it’s been since I last saw a sunrise…?
It’s been a while since I’ve posted here - looks like exams and other concerns really have stolen all my free time. So, here’s what’s going on at the moment.
A Weekend Apart and Together
Last weekend Eric came to visit for her birthday. All well and good, and we had much fun, although I disappeared up to Uni almost every day to revise. I really can’t revise very well at home no matter how much I try, so my only real option is to run away for a while…
Exams so Far
Atomic Physics wasn’t too bad, I’m hoping for a 2:1 at least. Crystalline Solids, despite having been to Garyoke the previous night, went almost as well - I’m hoping for the same result there.
Tomorrow I wake up at 7.30am for my final exam - Light and Matter. Here goes nothing, and I really mean nothing. The course is actually to the point of ridiculous. There’s no way I can keep everything that’s in the lecture notes in my head - I can barely read them, there’s about 120 pages and there’s barely a page with less than half a dozen equations on it. This exam will be… hard. Last year’s average was, I hear, below the pass mark of 40%. The other day we were even talking of boycotting the exam, although that’s probably unlikely to happen.
Still, in 12 hours’ time I’ll be free. Free to relax, have fun, visit Eric, go shopping, and put together my costume for one of the LARPs at Conception. The con is something like my reward for finishing this semester, and so very much am I looking forward to it.
Then, the day after it finishes, it’s back to lectures once more. For the… final… time…
How very strange that feels…
A week later there’s “AndyCon 2006”, aka Andy is visiting. Then there’s Valentine’s Day, then a few weeks later it’s MinamiCon, then a few more and it’s the holidays, a few more and it’s the year’s first Maelstrom, and a few more and it’s my birthday.
Ah yes, my birthday. There are plans afoot, great plans. There will be a great My Birthday / May Day / Beltane / other holiday of your choice celebration! The Monday bank holiday is on the 1st of May this year, and much fun will be had! There’ll be a barbecue on the common, fun and games and messing around with firestaves and everyone’s asked to come in
costume. Doesn’t matter what, just dress up as something or someone! And everyone’s invited. The bigger the party, the better! Just bring food if you want some, drinks if you want some, and your sense of fun!
Thank you, Disgaea
“Fear my mighty Horse Wiener! Fear it!!”
“Wow, a Horse Wiener. That must be the next level up from big floppy donkey-dick.”
“Now I’ll whip out Sachertorte and blow it up.”
“I have this vision of a Dogtato-kun / Hellblazer crossover now. That’s bad and wrong. The fic must be written!”
This is the first time in a long time that I’ve seen morning from the just-got-up rather than the not-gone-to-bed-yet side. It’s a strangely wonderful feeling, as though I actually had forgotten what the sights, sounds and smells of morning are. I guess, though, over the next week, I’ll have a lot of practice at seeing this part of the day.
There are now four days left until my first exam, and I haven’t really started revising yet. It’s going to take all day every day until then to put enough work in to get by. Although I feel a bit guilty about it - leaving a guest of mine at home whilst I spend all day at Uni - it’s what I’ve got to do. Because I’m damn well not failing these exams.
Still, seven days until it’s all over. After that there’s a few days with nothing to do besides make costume and play games and have fun, then there’s Conception, then a new term beginning once more, then… Then it’ll be Spring.
Freedom, and life itself, await. Just seven days of work, then at least a little freedom…
Headache OF THE YEAR desu~.
Woke up at 6am after 3 hours’ sleep with a headache so bad I could barely think and feeling sick. I had no painkillers at all, so I lay around in bed waiting for either Mark to get up or for the pharmacist to open. When eventually I did manage to get to sleep again, I had some very strange dreams indeed…
Now dosed up on paracetamol thanks to Mark. Should’ve been heading into town three hours ago for shopping and all-you-can-eat Chinese with Mark, Andy and Rhiannon. Have failed to do so.
I hate headaches.
Once more, let the melancholy music play;
Once more, once more…
Once more, we return and here we stay;
Once more, once more…
Once more, long past the fading of the day;
Once more, once more…
The atmosphere here is swirling, there’s no such thing as being able to step back and see things for what they are. We’re all involved, I guess, to some extent. There’s the way I would make things if I had the power to do so, and there’s the way they’re going to turn out, and they’re not the same. Danger looms, that’s certain, and the only thing more certain than that is uncertainty itself.
Whilst I remain well and happy and trying not to feel guilty for it (and maybe even speaking my mind without regret once in a while) it’s not as if all the problems in the world were magically solved as December faded away. They’ve just passed on - new problems for new people, a cycle that it seems must repeat for a while.
It’s not difficult to see what to do in these kinds of situations. While I may not have social skills, confidence, knowledge or experience on my side, I do at least have conviction. What I will do is my best.
Rucksack packed full of clothes, books and papers in the two satchels slung one over each shoulder, water bottle in its pouch and umbrella in its belt scabbard. Sleeping bag tied on, rolled up tent tied on, frying pan tied on. Music playing, alarm set, door locked. It’s time to go; time for the next part of the adventure to begin.
I’m back home, home to a place I never thought I’d be able to call “the City of Dreams”. But in a way that’s what it is. Soon, now, we might have to wake up and find Forever. But now, for just a few more months, we can keep on living a dreamlike part of life. A part of life where we’re all together, a part of life where we can laugh and cry so much, a part of life when we can become and be ourselves.
One hundred and seventy-six days remain of our dream together. I can’t make up my mind whether that’s a long time or a short one. It’ll have to be long enough, though, because that’s all there’s going to be.
Still, the dance continues. Our song is eternal; our story neverending. Our springtime has come, and as this winter turns to summer we will spin feelings around us that will last even unto the end of forever.
The streetlight by my front door flickers into red, pauses, and slowly begins its ascent into orange as the city around it descends into darkness. The sky fades from blue, to navy, to black. It’s the end of another year, as colour washes out of the landscape and all the shops close their doors on the freezing world.
So much has changed, since last time Winter settled its snowy wings over us… Life has changed its pace, a little - speeded up, I think, although considering the future that might not be such a good thing… I have but six months left here with the people I love before I must apparently embark on the next stage of my journey - something approximating adulthood. Of course, I wish that years like that gone by would last forever. For all its ups and downs, the year gone by was drenched with so much feeling that I don’t want to let it go.
But, I suppose, I have to. 2005 now lies frozen in time, almost unchangable. I guess all that remains is to look forward to everything that 2006 will bring.
Happy new year, everybody!
Twenty-two days ago, as the afternoon twilight fell across the city, the universe’s discordant orchestra started to play, and the dance began. November’s winds blew chill through our hearts, and our search for warmth pulled the world out of shape as we whirled and jumped on the ballroom floor.
In time that floor fell away and, through the orchestra played still in our hearts, the world around us ceased to exist. Appointments lost to sleep, mornings lost to alcohol, evenings lost to tears. Through our pain and confusion, we ignored the world and lived in our own instead. And, what’s more, we survived. We made the world our own despite the confusion, and we saw things through until the end.
Now, twilight fades to darkness and I shut my blinds against the blackness of the world. A year that changed our lives now lies dying and fades away, much as we fade away from this city. The cold tightens its grip on our hearts, but no longer does the orchestra play in disharmony. The song that’s beginning to play now is wonderful and sublime, peaceful as a night in front of the fire and beautiful as a fresh snowfall. And we dance on.
Thank you for helping, everybody. Not just for those who gave advice, hugs, chocolate or sympathy. But thank you for listening, thank you for reading.
There’s time to think, now, time to reflect, time for it to all sink in. Time to be collected, safe, and secure. Time to be human. Because, at the end of it all, we are all still human.
The snow time is coming, and the ground will lie frozen and pure. But in time, the Spring will come. The warmth in our hearts will melt the ice and bring water and wind to the waiting world. Life will return to the world and to our hearts. And, in time, the sunshine will come again, and happiness will blossom and burst forth into a million shining flowers that will clothe the landscape in perfection until the ends of eternity.
Come, take my hand, and let us dance. Tomorrow awaits us.
Whisky should perhaps not be regarded as a good substitute for sleep.
I’m not sure what yesterday actually did, and despite a friend’s intentions I don’t think it did much. I visited a nice place (except for the forest) and met nice people, and I would love to visit again. But not now, not for a while. That place isn’t a home for me, nor will it ever be.
Unfortunately I have to say that despite the fun I had there, the circumstances in which I came to be… invited? forced? …to be there were somewhat less than what I was happy with. If nothing else, I think I’ve come to understand Iza a bit better…
Meh, and there was me thinking for a while that I was fixed again. The last few days have been fun, they really have. And then tonight, humans started to annoy me again. And then Little Andy started to annoy me. Deliberately. And pushed me all the way.
Ah, Sundancer, I lament that the compulsion to write required me to name you and give you power. Not power enough, of course, but then I’m a bit glad about that.
I’ve also come to the conclusion that my friends aren’t faultless anymore. I used to believe they were; that everything my friends did so obviously had a good reason behind it that I couldn’t fault them. In the end, I guess that was a naive thing to think. There’s bits I dislike about all my friends, now that I think about it. Of course, they are wonderful in ways that far surpass my dislikes. But still, they’re there, and it feels strange…
Either way, we approach the end of the third week of the weirdness and I’m still broken. I suspect it will take until Christmas to properly recover my sanity…